Another old white man preparing to judge everyone

AN OLD, white, powerful man is preparing to decide whether you have behaved in a fashion he deems appropriate.

The mysterious ‘international gift-giver’, who is a billionaire from running an overnight courier firm, will decide whether the entire population has been good or evil. Those who have stuck to his rules, which have never been clearly defined, receive rewards.

However anti-Christmas activist Mary Fisher said: “This guy projects a cuddly image but is an egomaniacal freak who breaks into people’s homes and eats their biscuits, while surrounding himself with a cabal of green-clad yes men who are all shorter than him.

“Who is he to say if I’ve been good? I’ve been having an affair with my brother-in-law for several years but I also volunteer at the local homeless shelter. Am I naughty or nice?

“By labelling children as ‘bad’ and denying them gifts, he crushes their pride and sets them on the path to organised crime.

“Some people don’t believe he exists, but if 2016 has proved anything, it’s that things that seem like they have sprung from the mind of a clown on crystal meth do come true.”

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Supreme Court justices trying not to look bored out of their f**king minds

BRITAIN’S Supreme Court justices have today begun an historic four day process of trying not to look bored shitless.

Experts said the country’s most senior law lords are carrying the ‘heavy responsibility’ of having to listen to arguments about whether parliament must approve something to do with that fucking thing that has been in the news every single day for the last five million years.

Lord Julian Cook, a former High Court judge, said: “Four days. Jesus wept. I wouldn’t last 20 minutes. But then again, I’m not ‘Supreme Court material’ apparently. Twats.”

He added: “Did you know some people are actually watching the whole thing live on television?

“I didn’t know there were people like that. It’s fucked up.”