AN OLD, white, powerful man is preparing to decide whether you have behaved in a fashion he deems appropriate.
The mysterious ‘international gift-giver’, who is a billionaire from running an overnight courier firm, will decide whether the entire population has been good or evil. Those who have stuck to his rules, which have never been clearly defined, receive rewards.
However anti-Christmas activist Mary Fisher said: “This guy projects a cuddly image but is an egomaniacal freak who breaks into people’s homes and eats their biscuits, while surrounding himself with a cabal of green-clad yes men who are all shorter than him.
“Who is he to say if I’ve been good? I’ve been having an affair with my brother-in-law for several years but I also volunteer at the local homeless shelter. Am I naughty or nice?
“By labelling children as ‘bad’ and denying them gifts, he crushes their pride and sets them on the path to organised crime.
“Some people don’t believe he exists, but if 2016 has proved anything, it’s that things that seem like they have sprung from the mind of a clown on crystal meth do come true.”