Ant Day declared a national holiday


BRITAIN has a new ant-based national holiday.

Workers will be given time off to enjoy the day when ants get their wings, fly drunkenly into cups of coffee and hair, and leave sticky trails of ant jizz on every window.

A government spokesman said: “Ant Day is a midsummer opportunity to forget about work, forget all the little stresses of life and just really enjoy the sheer spectacle of newly airborne ants fucking like champions.

““And it’’s truly democratic. Whether you’’re shopping for jewels in Mayfair, eating al fresco in Alderley Edge or living rough in Glasgow, flying ants will be fornicating in your face.””

Families around the country are planning to celebrate Ant Day with special Ant Day cocktails, Ant Day burgers and Ant Day side dishes.

Party planner Julian Cook said: “”Basically make anything, take it outside and in seconds it’’s garnished by flying ants with fresh wings and multi-segmented erections.

““Children can enjoy the traditional Ant Day game of squashing as many filthy copulating ants as they can, or why not go retro and give the kids a magnifying glass to incinerate an ant orgy at its moment of climax?””

The day is keenly anticipated by everyone, especially the ants who face the overwhelming pressure of learning to fly and to fuck in a single day.

Following Ant Day, which is expected to fall this week, there will be no insect-based events on the calendar until September 30, which is Stoned Crawling Wasp Day.

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Lads' mags to come in 'bite-through' packaging

LADS’ magazines are to be sold in bags that readers must tear apart with their teeth to view the nudity within.

The special ‘bite bags’ have been introduced following concerns from retailers that browsing children could be corrupted by images of heavily photoshopped girls in unconvincing lesbian scenarios.

A spokesman for the Federation of Lad Magazine Publishers said: “Readers simply need to place the magazine in their mouth, bite down hard and shake it from left to right.

“It may help to place one hand on the magazine to steady it while biting. Like lions do on the telly when they’ve got an antelope.

“The bag will break and the magazine will fall out. Then you can look at breasts.”

However the protective bags have provoked anger and confusion from fans of tepid 90s quasi-porn.

Nuts reader Tom Booker said: “Me buy boobie book. Why boobie book pages no open?

“Outside of boobie book feel funny, like oil.

“Me want see woman picture now. Also car article and Peter Kay gag.

“And screen capture of scene from straight-to-DVD thriller where Sienna Miller get left boob out.

“Me like this.”