BRITAIN has a new ant-based national holiday.
Workers will be given time off to enjoy the day when ants get their wings, fly drunkenly into cups of coffee and hair, and leave sticky trails of ant jizz on every window.
A government spokesman said: “Ant Day is a midsummer opportunity to forget about work, forget all the little stresses of life and just really enjoy the sheer spectacle of newly airborne ants fucking like champions.
“And it’s truly democratic. Whether you’re shopping for jewels in Mayfair, eating al fresco in Alderley Edge or living rough in Glasgow, flying ants will be fornicating in your face.”
Families around the country are planning to celebrate Ant Day with special Ant Day cocktails, Ant Day burgers and Ant Day side dishes.
Party planner Julian Cook said: ”Basically make anything, take it outside and in seconds it’s garnished by flying ants with fresh wings and multi-segmented erections.
“Children can enjoy the traditional Ant Day game of squashing as many filthy copulating ants as they can, or why not go retro and give the kids a magnifying glass to incinerate an ant orgy at its moment of climax?”
The day is keenly anticipated by everyone, especially the ants who face the overwhelming pressure of learning to fly and to fuck in a single day.
Following Ant Day, which is expected to fall this week, there will be no insect-based events on the calendar until September 30, which is Stoned Crawling Wasp Day.