Anytime, anywhere: A man's guide to fearless interrupting

INTERRUPTING others mid-flow gets a bad rap but it can be necessary if a woman is talking. Here’s how to get your point across at the cost of theirs: 

Don’t hesitate

Hesitation is for interruptees, not the brave invader of the conversation. Like a captain leading a cavalry charge, you must be bold and force your way into a discussion without a second thought. Your desire to be heard overrules all else.

Apologise but don’t mean it

A surefire way to stop others talking is to preface your interruption with ‘Sorry can I just add…’ or ‘Mandy, apologies, but I must say…’ People love an apology, especially when no part of it is sincere, and it frees you to blather on for as long as you like because ultimately you’re the good guy.

Once you start, don’t stop

If you talk for long enough, no-one will even remember you interrupted in the first place. They’ll be bowled over by your eloquence and erudition. When you have taken up more than enough of the discourse, you can wrap up your contribution by saying something astute like ‘So…yeah.’

Don’t feel pressure to make a point

Just because you decided to cut someone else off mid-sentence doesn’t mean you’re obliged say anything insightful or even relevant. It’s more about making people listen to the sounds coming out of your mouth than making a salient point about sales targets or funeral plans or whatever the conversation you’re ruining is.

Never let yourself be interrupted

In order to retain any sense of manly pride, you must never fall to interrupters yourself. If anyone tries, just increase the volume until they stop. And if they don’t, feel free to shout, scream or leave the conversation altogether. Who are these bastards daring to talk over you anyway?

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Freeports to allow sexual harassment, homophobic jokes and casual racism

BORIS Johnson has promised freeports will level up the economy and let Britons to dump all that politically correct nonsense to go back to the 70s. 

Freeports will be exempt from tariffs for businesses and exempt from stifling laws about hate speech, workplace sexual harassement, and smoking indoors.

Business secretary Kwasi Kwarteng said: “Freeports will be a man’s world. Every boss will have a dolly-bird secretary who loves an encouraging pat on the bottom.

“No longer will office workers have to go outside into the cold to light up a gasper, tea-breakes are unlimited, and lunchtime drinking is mandatory.

“The humour? Unrestrained by modern convention. For example, I’ve been here in the freeport zone for two hours and I’ve already been the butt of every joke and am now nicknamed ‘Chalky’.

“And if your secretary complains about the stale Scotch and fags on your breath when you move in for a cheeky afternoon kiss? You’ve every right to accuse her of being a lesbian.”

Forklift driver Wayne Hayes said: “I haven’t been able to drink four pints at lunchtime since 1982, because of ‘health and safety’. This sounds like a paradise on earth.”