Archbishop of Canterbury in racist bus rant

A MAN wearing the robes and mitre of the Archbishop of Canterbury has been filmed on a bus ranting about migrants.

The man, who claimed to be “big mates with the guy upstairs, like really big mates,” also said that immigrants are scary because they actually properly believe their religion.

He continued: “I mean, obviously this is a Christian country and Christianity, that’s an English thing, innit? It just makes sense.

“But they come here with no respect for our culture of sexual freedom and ignoring all of the Church’s commandments, and that is just wrong.

“I’m not racist, but the compassion of Christ only extends so far, you know? Yeah he said it was infinite, yeah, but he said a lot of shit.

“Are you filming me? You better not be filming me or I will batter you with this big fuck-off stick. Batter you hardcore.”

A spokesman for the Church of England said: “That could have been anyone.”

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New cafe opens for men trapped in ‘Friend Zone’

TRAGICALLY deluded men will be able to nurture their crush in a new Friend Zone cafe.

The Friend Zone, in north London, will have a jukebox filled with songs by sensitive white boys playing acoustic guitar and comfy sofas where customers can rock back and forth, mouthing the word ‘why?’.

Owner Nikki Hollis said: “Our overheads will be pretty high – so many tissues. But we’ll recoup it with exorbitant wifi fees so they can search Facebook profiles for bikini photos.”

The cafe will be open 24 hours a day to cater for various types of clientele, from the office-based friend-zoner who assumes polite lunchtime chitchat means something, to the 3am customer who wants to moon over a brief drunken kiss from three years ago.

Hollis added: “There’s scope for a branch on every university campus in the UK. I’m sure there will be plenty of willing franchise holders, particularly among women who wear a fake engagement ring just to get a bit of peace.”