Archbishop Of Canterbury Talks Himself Out Of A Job

THE Archbishop of Canterbury talked himself out of a job last night.

In a keynote sermon the head of the Anglican church insisted that God didn't care, praying was a waste of time and that we are all completely on our own.

Speaking at York Minster, Dr Rowan Williams, said: "God is not going to do anything so stop praying because it just makes you look stupid.

"Does he even exist? How the hell should I know? What I can tell you is that not once in the entire history of the world has he intervened to stop bad things happening and I certainly don't expect him to start now.

"Famine, genocide, global warming – if you're waiting for God to sort it out you'd better bring a flask and a packed lunch because you will be there all day.

"I suppose there might be a God, but even if there is I suspect he's a very lazy, selfish God who finds you and all your friends incredibly tedious."

Experts stressed that if God was either indifferent or did not exist then then it raised the important theological question of what the fuck was the point of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Dr Julian Cook, of Gibb's College, Oxford, said: "And if God's not going to do anything about global warming then why the hell am I listening to this fruitcake talking about it? We may as well make Michael Fish the Archbishop of Canterbury."

Dr Williams added: "Anyway, this does mean you will have to find something else to do on Sunday mornings between 11 and 12. Personally, I'm a big fan of Countryfile."

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Critics Pay Tribute To World’s Greatest Drama Set On A Battlestar

BATTLESTAR Galactica was last night hailed as the most intelligent and thoughtful drama ever to be set on a battlestar.

As the long-running series drew to a close critics described it as a combustive drama that was as achingly real and relevant as anything else on television depicting the last surviving humans from the Twelve Colonies of Kobol and their war with the Cylons.

Peter Bianco, of Entertainment Weekly, said the dark and complex show delivered incisive political commentary and deep insights into the nature of polytheism as well as exploring the reliability issues of the Mark I Viper Starhound.

While Mary Mangan, of the Seattle Post Examiner, described it as an enthralling tale of human survival, complex moral dilemmas and exploding robots.

However, creator Ronald D. Moore said: "You know, all this stuff is really nice, and obviously very flattering, but it's really just about spaceships and lasers.

"If it is a subtle critique of neo-conservatism and an allegory for the war on terror then I can assure you it's a total coincidence."

He added: "Of course it's more intelligent than Star Trek, but that's because I used a thesaurus. And, unlike Star Trek, we also resisted the urge to set every tenth episode in the 1940s just so the studio could claim a tax deduction on the costumes."

Viewer Tom Logan said: "The political and religious stuff was very thought-provoking, but what I liked the most were all the women in tight vests which accentuated their astounding charlies.

"Some of them were robots, which means you could make them do anything you wanted, even really dirty stuff you'd be ashamed to ask for even if you were paying."