MINISTERS are to launch a consultation on
whether they are supposed to be clearing away all this
snow that seems to be everywhere.
As winter’s icy fist smashed Britain repeatedly in the face, transport secretary Philip Hammond said there may have to be a fundamental review of the government’s priorities, particularly if people wanted it to do stuff.
He added: “As far as I understand it, if we spend money on one thing then we can’t spend it on a different thing at the same time.
“So we can either clear away all this snow, or we can have a bi-annual inter-departmental swivel chair ergonomics audit, but we can’t have both. But government is about putting on your hard face and making tough choices with your pointy finger.”
Meanwhile, Mr Hammond has also asked Professor John Beddington, Britain’s cleverest man, to build a time machine, visit every winter for the next 50 years and then come back to 2010 and tell us how much salt we should order at the last minute.
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “As far as I understand it, government is a mechanism for delivering opportunity and fairness. But the difficulty with that – in terms of service provision – is that it’s just a load of shit they use to justify spending my money on whatever they fucking want.
“So I would really, really love it if the government could do actual things.”
He added: “I’m thinking doctors and nurses and the equipment they require; teachers who can instruct children how to read, write and do sums; a few police forces; some fire brigades and a coastguard; one big submarine with a doomsday machine on it and plenty of fucking gritters.
“And absolutely nothing else.”
Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I largely agree with that though I would stockpile even more gritters and just scrap the coastguard.
“It’s not my fault if some retired accountant doesn’t know how to drive a boat.”