Are we supposed to be doing something about all this snow? asks government

MINISTERS are to launch a consultation on
whether they are supposed to be clearing away all this
snow that seems to be everywhere.

As winter’s icy fist smashed Britain repeatedly in the face, transport secretary Philip Hammond said there may have to be a fundamental review of the government’s priorities, particularly if people wanted it to do stuff.

He added: “As far as I understand it, if we spend money on one thing then we can’t spend it on a different thing at the same time.

“So we can either clear away all this snow, or we can have a bi-annual inter-departmental swivel chair ergonomics audit, but we can’t have both. But government is about putting on your hard face and making tough choices with your pointy finger.”

Meanwhile, Mr Hammond has also asked Professor John Beddington, Britain’s cleverest man, to build a time machine, visit every winter for the next 50 years and then come back to 2010 and tell us how much salt we should order at the last minute.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “As far as I understand it, government is a mechanism for delivering opportunity and fairness. But the difficulty with that – in terms of service provision – is that it’s just a load of shit they use to justify spending my money on whatever they fucking want.

“So I would really, really love it if the government could do actual things.”

He added: “I’m thinking doctors and nurses and the equipment they require; teachers who can instruct children how to read, write and do sums; a few police forces; some fire brigades and a coastguard; one big submarine with a doomsday machine on it and plenty of fucking gritters.

“And absolutely nothing else.”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: “I largely agree with that though I would stockpile even more gritters and just scrap the coastguard.

“It’s not my fault if some retired accountant doesn’t know how to drive a boat.”



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One Woman's Week, With Karen Fenessey

OF course it’s super that Julian Assange has felt the long arm of the law this week and now knows that when it comes to sex, you have to just say no.

But what is his crime, really? I think young Julian may have unwittingly opened a can of worms when it comes to our judicial system.

It’s true that in this day and age, conspiracy theorists are everywhere and usually present a pretty feeble argument. And yes, most of us can probably admit to secret fantasies of extraditing them all to Sweden to face charges of sexual assault, whatever the hell that means.  But I fear we’ve been a little too rough on poor Julian, whose only crime is surely ‘thinking outside the box’. Who will we extradite next? If you ask me, there should be an even grizzlier fate in store for hornets’ nest poker and original Grinch, Dan Brown. He’s caused no end of controversy with his wild theories and I for one take huge offence at what he’s said about the pope and his biblical pals. And at least Julian can speak English properly.

You see it’s a real coward who tries to make up loads of fibs about people who died a long time ago (even if they did rise again within the week). These people can’t just call up the Guardian from heaven to set things straight and get some extraditing done. If Julian is to suffer the rest of his days in some ghastly Scandinavian cooler, then Dan Brown should be brought to justice for all the raping he’s done: the raping of Christmas.

So while I’m glad something is being done about all these irritating bozos on the internet with all their colourful speculation about the FBI and the KFC, I just get the feeling that the American government might have made a rare boob and fingered the wrong guy. I think we could learn a lot from Julian, who seems to be some kind of uniquely talented entrepreneur. This, coupled with his uncommon good looks, leads me to ask why he would even need to rape anyone. We need to ask more questions. I for one would be throwing myself at him.


I see Mark Zuckerberg has got Time magazine’s Man of the Year. But I am highly suspicious of all this social networking mumbo jumbo. It seems harmless in the beginning, but ‘Mark’ my words:  one minute you’re dreaming up a thoroughly witty profile statement, the next you’re sipping hors d’oeuvres at Stephen Fry’s fancy pad and we all know how things turn out when you get in a swimming pool with him.


I can’t believe Bob Ainsworth is calling for all drugs to be legalised. In this world of obesity and heart disease, the daily scavenge for that ever elusive ‘score deal’ is the only exercise many of our working class friends still get. Take that from them and you’re just asking for blocked arteries.