'Are we the jury?' jury asks judge

A JURY yesterday asked a judge if it was the jury.

The trial of Chris Huhne’s ex-wife Vicky Pryce collapsed after the judge was handed a note from the jury saying, ‘when do you think the jury’s going to get here?’.

Mr Justice Sweeney sent a reply to the jury saying, ‘you are the jury’. Moments later he received another note from the jury saying, ‘are you sure?’.

The judge replied ‘yes’ prompting the jury to ask ‘so what exactly is that then?’.

Mr Justice Sweeney’s follow-up note asked, ‘what exactly is what?’. The jury’s follow-up note said, ‘a jury’.

In his next note the judge explained that the jury ‘listens to the evidence and decides whether this person is guilty or not’. The jury then replied, ‘what person?’.

Mr Justice Sweeney explained that it was ‘that woman in the dock. Ms Pryce. She’s been here every day for the last two weeks. As have you’.

The jury replied: “Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. Right. Could we start again?”

The judge then explained that ‘it doesn’t really work that way’.

The jury then said that ‘coming up with a verdict would be no problem at all, but it would have to be a wild guess’.

Mr Justice Sweeney said: “Look, just fuck off.”


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Papal selection process based on Street Fighter II

CARDINALS will use martial arts and arcade-style special moves in their battle to become Pope, it has emerged.

In a move towards greater transparency, the Vatican described how the papal selection process is modelled on the immensely popular 90s video game Street Fighter II.

A spokesman said: “Each member of the papal conclave will come prepared for battle with a ‘special move’.

“For example, African cardinal Peter Turkson shoots glowing balls of holy energy out of his upturned palms.

“His main rival, Angelo Scola, has a sort of jumping uppercut where he shouts something unintelligible.

“There will be a series of combat bouts at various locations around the globe including, weirdly, a Buddhist temple.

“In deference to the game, we are also obliged to include a potential Pope who is part-animal with green skin and very sharp teeth.

“But despite his fearsome appearance, Cardinal Blanka is safer around children than many of our priests.”

The Catholic church considers Street Fighter II to be of divine origin because of its unsurpassable design and the inspired feature of ‘combo moves’.

In a message to his rivals, papal contender Francis Arinze of Nigeria said: “Attack me if you dare, I will crush you!”