Are you a concerned neighbour or a petty-minded little busybody?

ARE you calling the police to report your neighbour going out twice because you’re a good citizen or to get revenge for their dog shitting on your doorstep in 2008? Take our quiz.

The man across the road goes out in his car every couple of days. Do you:

A) Presume he’s taking food or medicine to a relative who can’t get out themselves and leave him to it.

B) Presume he’s driving his car to a local beauty spot to do handbrake turns whilst necking Stella and call 999.

The family next door are having a barbecue in their garden whilst listening to the radio. Do you:

A) Think it’s nice that they’re able to enjoy time together as a family despite the current difficulties.

B) Think they’re waiting for their relatives to come over, get shitfaced and breathe coronavirus all over your clean washing and rockery.

You spot the students from the house down the road sitting on the grass in the park. Do you:

A) Inwardly commend them for sitting several metres away from anyone else and hope they enjoy the sunshine.

B) Find the nearest police officer and report them for being dangerous drug-taking tearaways just because one of them is wearing flip flops.

The lady from round the corner has walked past your house twice today. Do you:

A) Not even notice because you aren’t the type of psycho who would have enjoyed dobbing your neighbours in to the Stasi.

B) Dial 101 and inform the police, whilst pretending you’re doing it to help protect NHS workers and not because you don’t like her curtains.

Your partner returns from the shops with a box of Magnums. Do you:

A) Thank them for this small, kind gesture.

B) Angrily interrogate them about whether this is an essential item, whilst threatening to lock them in the shed for their ‘crime’.

Mostly As. You care about your local community and don’t want to interfere in their business because we’re all having a hard time.

Mostly Bs. You hate your neighbours so much that you wish the lockdown was harsher and there was some kind of gulag they could be taken to on your command.

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This is not the worst ever Easter, says Jesus

JESUS has rejected claims that this is the worst ever Easter, stating that his original Easter featured a much more savage lockdown.

The son of God said he was disgusted to overhear people complaining that this year’s celebrations will be ‘rubbish’ and ‘not even like a real bank holiday’.

Jesus said: “Cancelling an Easter egg hunt is not a tragedy. You think I had Lindt bunnies hidden around my tomb? Or Netflix? Or the chance to speak to Mary Magdalene on Zoom?

“Stop moaning and turn the other cheek. I absolved my mate Judas, and he did a lot more than just clogging up a WhatsApp group with crappy coronavirus memes.

“Find it in your heart to forgive these sinners, just as I have forgiven all you f**kers who said you had given up booze for Lent and then cracked the second the lockdown was announced.”

However Christian Tom Logan disagreed with Jesus’s analysis: “He was only in that tomb for three days, the pussy. And he didn’t even have any kids in there.

“Right now, crucifixion is an option I would seriously consider.”