Are you a member of 'the elites'?

‘THE elites’ are criticised for their power and influence by right-wingers everywhere. But could you be a member of this treacherous group of liberals? Read our guide.

You read the Guardian on your telephone

While normal folk go to the newsagent’s to buy their print edition of the Daily Mail, you sneer at them by scrolling through Polly Toynbee articles using just your thumb. You’re probably doing it while travelling to some cushy public sector job in London on the Metropolitan line – or should that be the Metropolitan Elite line?

You are a graphic designer earning as much as 14k some years

Graphic design is just one example – it could be any liberal arty ‘job’, like being a university lecturer. Either way, it’s pointless and disgusting and the fact that you make any money from it at all hints at hidden financial support from George Soros.

You laugh every time Mark Francois opens his mouth on TV

Why on earth can’t you show this hardworking MP some respect? It can’t be his views. Britain won the war, that’s just a fact. And Brexit would be fine if it wasn’t for people like you. No, it’s because he didn’t go to the right school, one of your precious left-wing comprehensives. Snobs.

You watch Channel 4 now and again

Decent people haven’t watched this cesspit of filth since 1983, when it was all foreign sex films and documentaries like Free The Yorkshire Ripper. No doubt it hasn’t changed since then and only shows programmes pandering to high-minded intellectual elitists.

You drink coffee

No one is quite sure when drinking coffee became the preserve of politically correct liberal fascists, but it is. You ought to be hanged – and your pretentious paper cup of latte with you!


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Cockblocking friend just the extra hurdle man chatting up woman needed

A MAN who was ‘cockblocked’ whilst chatting up a woman in a nightclub has revealed it was just what he did not need at that moment.

Tom Logan was already finding it traumatic talking to a woman in Pryzm nightclub in Cheltenham when ‘friend’ Martin Bishop turned up and claimed he had an unusually shaped penis.

Office worker Logan said: “Chatting to a stranger when you’re sweaty, nervous and can’t hear properly is stressful enough. What you really don’t need is someone saying your genitals look like the neck and head of a swan. 

“It completely put me off my stride. I was mentally trying to juggle a witty response and get Martin to piss off, while all the time thinking about my deformed private parts. They’re not, by the way.

“In the end I just blurted out ‘I’ve got a normal penis!’. The woman went soon after that.

“Still, at least I was able to get on with what I do best in nightclubs, which is going home alone and eating a kebab.”

Bishop said: “It was classic. It reminded me of the time Pete was chatting up this woman he’d really liked for ages and I kept running over and telling her he’d got AIDS. I’m such a laugh.”