Are you f**king furious enough about the ISIS bride?

ARE you worried you’re not being goaded enough by the media over ISIS bride Shamima Begum? Read our checklist and see if you could be angrier.

Are you really angry right now?

If the answer is ‘yes’, fine. If not, immediately read plenty of outraged articles. Take a handful of Pro Plus washed down with Monster energy drink to increase your tension levels.

Do you keep thinking about things that aren’t the ISIS bride?

The part of your brain that deals with ‘perspective’ could be fooling you into thinking there are bigger long-term issues facing the UK, like our precarious NHS. Get back to worrying about that evil ISIS bride.

Do you feel the media coverage is a tad excessive?

A ridiculous thought, but if you’re finding it hard to be obsessed with a very minor cog in the ISIS machine, think of other things that anger you, like pigeons shitting on your car. Then imagine they’re ISIS pigeons.

Do you feel any sympathy?

If you’re thinking ‘teenagers do some stupid things, I know I did’, stop immediately. You should be on the Mail website posting gibberish like “No SECUND CHANCE!!! Hang the Islamatic tractors IN HELL!!!’.

What are you doing this weekend?

Christ, how can you even be thinking about your social life when the ISIS bride is on the loose in wherever? However if you’re planning to share angry, trite opinions like “if you’ve made your bed, bloody lie in it” that’s OK.

Is a vein in your neck throbbing and you’re having palpitations?

You are reaching the right level of anger. Watch ‘ISIS bride’ news reports for the rest of the day, even if your boss is unsure whether to tell you to do some fucking work or call 999.

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EU threatens to send expatriate grandparents home

THE EU has threatened to send your elderly expat relatives home to live with you.

Restrictions on immigration to Britain have been countered by emigration restrictions, meaning the silver-haired monsters usually confined to Skype will instead be inhabiting your spare room.

An EU spokesman said: “You complain that immigrants don’t integrate, don’t speak the language, and don’t respect your culture while sending us these wrinkled, reactionary sponges of sunlight?

“You moan of health tourists while sticking us with 70-year-olds yet to accept the link between smoking and cancer, and of criminals while literally renaming an area the Costa del Crime.

“Well, they’re all coming back. Oh, and bad news: their villas are worth nothing, so they’re moving in with you.

“Their bigoted breakfast table views on everything from marmalade to CBeebies will be a constant reminder that you did this to yourselves.”