Areas without mobile reception rebranded 'trivia mystery zones'

REGIONS with poor phone coverage are being marketed to couples that enjoy debating trivia.

The Orkney Islands, areas of Scotland and mid-Wales are being promoted as ‘trivia mystery zones’ where couples can debate unimportant facts like which Baldwin played the baddie in Blade, without just looking up the answer on their smartphones.

Recruitment consultant Francesca Johnson said: “At home, me and my boyfriend are constantly arguing about where our relationship is going.

“On holiday in Western Scotland, we found ourselves free to argue about which of Ross Kemp’s ITV series was least successful, and what year Mariah Carey went slutty.

“The tone of our interaction was so much more light-hearted.

“Ordinarily we’d have the answers literally at our fingertips, limiting trivia discussion time to about 90 seconds.”

Neurological expert Dr Norman Steele said: “When you can’t spend countless hours trying to remember the guest stars in The Love Boat, you have to talk about other things.

“Things like the amount of weight one partner’s put on recently, or how unattractively the other one is going bald.”

Headmistress Joanna Kramer said: “I’ve been off-grid since the beginning of the month, and by meditating on the deep mystery that is the names of the Banana Splits and not just looking it up, I’ve achieved a state of extraordinary calm.

“I feel relaxed, healthy and ready to re-engage with the world. Unfortunately my sister’s declared me legally dead because I haven’t updated Facebook for three weeks.”

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Archbishop admits he hasn't read bit in Bible about moneylenders

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has admitted that the Bible story of Jesus and the moneylenders is still on his ‘to-do’ list.

As the head of the Church of England announced plans to offer cheaper loans to consumers than Wonga, experts stressed that was not really what Jesus was getting at.

Julian Cook, professor of economic theology at Roehampton University, said: “Jesus stormed into the Temple and turned over the tables of the moneylenders. He was pissed off.

“He didn’t set up his own table next to them and put up a sign saying ‘better deal here’.”

Professor Cook added: “What Jesus was getting at – I think – is that moneylending of all kinds is the work of utter fucking shits.

“What Jesus was getting at – again, just a thought – is that the rich should give all their money away. So perhaps the Church should give all if its money away. Instead of calculating a competitive APR and doing a marketing campaign depicting how happy you could be if you had a dishwasher.”

The Archbishop said: “Which bit’s that? Is it near the beginning? Is it the bit with the fish?

“Admittedly I do pick it up and put it down. I’ve been reading it for about six years now. I’m at the bit with the river and the man – what his name? – John the Baptist.

“Baptist. What does that mean?”