'Arm' removed from dictionary to make room for 'vape'

THE word ‘arm’ has been deleted from the Oxford English Dictionary to accommodate ‘vape’.

Otherwise this would be ‘going for a suck’

The dictionary replaces old words on an annual basis, meaning that they can no longer be written or spoken by anyone.

Editor Susan Traherne said: “I don’t know if you’ve got a copy of the OED, but it’s pretty fucking big already so we’ve been operating a one-in one-out policy since 2002.

“For example when ‘staycation’ went in ‘nuts’ went out, which is why they’ve been referred to as Dry Roasted Single-Seed Hard Fruits ever since.

“I think we can all agree that ‘vape’ – I vape, he has vaped, she enjoys vaping – is much more useful than a word for the collection of bone, muscle and soft tissue that connects the hand to the shoulder.”

Also added to the dictionary this year are ‘vlogger’, ‘bae’, ‘spornosexual’ and ‘normcore’, necessitating the removal of ‘fire’, ‘look’, ‘why’ and the preposition ‘of.’

Carolyn Ryan of Colchester said: “Couldn’t they have dumped some word like ‘bedizened’ or ‘horripilation’ that only Will Self uses, instead — a perfectly useful one?

“— have you done this, you arsewipes?

“And they left ‘arsewipes’ in?”

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Seal open to relationship outside his species

A SEAL has confirmed that he would be open to dating other types of animal if the chemistry was right.

After videos of seals mating with penguins emerged online, fur seal Tom Logan said he thinks species is just a label.

“When you look at a penguin, you think she’s a bird, with a beak and features, whereas I am a much larger mammal with flippers and a dog-like face.

“But we both like fish, slippery rocks and acrobatic swimming. So we would have lots to talk about.

“It’s about personality, which is something that shines through even if they are a fraction of your size with a radically difference physiology.

“I had a cousin who went out with a horse for three years.”

However Logan confirmed that he did not agree with having sex with birds then eating them afterwards.

“You have to keep the food chain thing out of relationships.”