Arse making a point of ignoring Christmas

A MAN will not stop telling people about his plans to do un-Christmassy things over Christmas.

Graphic designer Martin Bishop’s break will contain no traditional festive activities and instead things like cycle rides, DIY and eating Thai food.

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “On Christmas Day Martin’s going for a long bike ride, having a green chicken curry for dinner and going to bed early. What a tit.

“He says he doesn’t understand why people make a big deal of Christmas, which is ironic because he won’t bloody shut up about how he’s painting his bathroom on Boxing Day.

“He seems to think it marks him out as an independent-minded rebel, as if he’s smashing society’s bourgeois conventions by not watching Frozen.

“Also he’s spent much longer planning things like a freezing cross-country walk than it takes to sort out all the Christmas stuff like presents and sausages in bacon.”

Bishop said: “To me Christmas is a day like any other, which is why I keep informing everyone I’m not having a turkey or decorations and will just be cleaning my mountain bike.

“I’m not suggesting I’m superior to people who celebrate Christmas, I just don’t share their small-minded, sheep-like mentality.”

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Britons competing to be most concerned about their children’s futures

PARENTS feel they must prove their concern for their children’s futures by talking about it endlessly, it has emerged.

Millions of parents are sanctimoniously expressing their fears as though others are not overly bothered if their own children have crap lives.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Paul at work keeps saying how worried he is about his children’s future, as though some brand new threat has been detected like a Cylon invasion.

“This sets everyone else off and they all start trying to prove who’s most concerned about education, jobs and so on. At least Sue was a bit creative with ‘airborne zombie plague’.

“It’s like a game of Top Trumps where your kids being unable to buy a flat in the future is quite good, but it gets beaten by them being obliterated in a nuclear war.

Sales manager Emma Bradford said: “I’m always worrying about my children’s future but that’s because I’m a good parent, not just someone who’s competitive over inappropriate things.

“What if the moon goes out of orbit and hits the earth? I must really love my kids to have thought of something as unlikely as that.”