Autocorrect can tell woman still pissed from night before

A SMARTPHONE’S autocorrect function can detect when its user is still drunk from the night before, it has emerged. 

Emma Bradford’s Sony Xperia z5 admitted that it knew full well that owner Emma Bradford was still over the legal limit from a big session, and amended her texts accordingly.

Bradford said: “It took me ages to message Geraldine, because we’d accidentally ended up having three bottles of wine on a Thursday.

“But even though I’d tapped out ‘Great night last night, can’t believe we got so pissed on a school night’ the message I sent was ‘Greet night left night. Can’t Bruce writ test kidded on a Schiller night’.

“Luckily she understood, as I knew from her reply ‘Awwk lonely to sea yourself. Big hucks. Gotta go third up again xxx’.

“It’s like we have our own language when we’re both pissed, that only we and our autocorrects understand.”

Bradford’s phone said: “I didn’t even know where to start with them, so I left them to it.”

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Government to abolish inspirational teachers

INSPIRATIONAL teachers have no place in Brexit Britain and will be scrapped, the government has confirmed.

Education secretary Justine Greening said: “Pupils having their eyes opened to the wonders of the world by funny, wise teachers will just make it harder for an independent Britain to compete against ruthlessly efficient Germans.”

The move was welcomed by headmaster Roy Hobbs who stressed his job of churning out call centre workers was not helped by pupils standing on their desks and ‘swearing undying loyalty to a hippy’.

He added: “It’s not part of the core curriculum and those desks are not built to support a teenager.”

Inspirational teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I was getting a small group of pupils to paint their dreams onto their school shirts when the head came in and told me I was fired.

“I didn’t even have the chance to collect the ‘I Will Tell My Grandkids About You’ scrapbook the class had made for me.”

Justine Greening added: “I am seizing the day.”