Avoid trains, says Network Rail

THE public has been warned to avoid rail travel on any date.

When preparing the traditional warning about bank holiday engineering work, Network Rail discovered that nowhere across the network was travelling by train even remotely advisable. 

A spokesman said: “Just don’t go on trains.

“Virgin Trains has scheduled long delays until all their overpriced muffins have been sold, trains in the North-West are being abandoned out of sheer despair, and East Anglian services are being invaded by Fenland frog-men looking for brides. I could go on.

“Cars and buses are quite good for long journeys.”

Eleanor Shaw of Cambridge said: “It is better to travel hopefully than arrive, and nowhere is that truer than if you’re arriving at Didcot Parkway.”