Avoid trains, says Network Rail

THE public has been warned to avoid rail travel on any date.

When preparing the traditional warning about bank holiday engineering work, Network Rail discovered that nowhere across the network was travelling by train even remotely advisable. 

A spokesman said: “Just don’t go on trains.

“Virgin Trains has scheduled long delays until all their overpriced muffins have been sold, trains in the North-West are being abandoned out of sheer despair, and East Anglian services are being invaded by Fenland frog-men looking for brides. I could go on.

“Cars and buses are quite good for long journeys.”

Eleanor Shaw of Cambridge said: “It is better to travel hopefully than arrive, and nowhere is that truer than if you’re arriving at Didcot Parkway.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re a big fan of steampunk, as it’s much more healthy than fried punk.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Tomorrow your claim to have come up with a new joke in the office will backfire when Louise Mensch harangues you on Twitter about it for the next month.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A transitional period for Cancerians this week as you drift from the ‘functional’ kind of alcoholic to the ‘selling furniture’ kind.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
True to your Leo roots you will spend most of this week claiming a large area of grassland as your own by strategically urinating and roaring.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your commitment to your persecution complex goes up a notch this weekend when you buy a surround sound system to help with the impression people are talking behind your back.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As the eighth man in a recent diamond raid, you will spend this week getting extensive plastic surgery and learning how to speak Peruvian.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Trouble in work over the hot-desking policy when people complain that they don’t want to use your favourite desk as it smells ‘suspiciously testicle-y’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from Channel 4 on your sequel to Benefits Street called TV Prick Mews.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Monday you’ll discover that your ‘maximum protection’ deodorant doesn’t cover loan sharks you owe fifteen large to.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you get Windows 10 only to find it starts controlling your cat like an evil spirit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Finally some interest in your band’s demo, even if it’s from a company that makes bird-scarers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) 
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Then you agree to a rematch for a lot of money, then you get your arse kicked.