Single man steps up preparations for no-deal Brexit

A SINGLE man living alone has stepped up preparations for a no-deal Brexit by buying 24 tins of all-day breakfast and three crates of Stella. 

Nathan Muir has also laid in 48 Pot Noodles, a full cupboard of teabags and six litres of vodka as anaesthetic in case he has to perform surgery on himself. 

He said: “The freezer’s stocked with burgers, chicken burgers, chicken strips and fish fingers, which I can eat on their own if I can’t get bread for fish finger sandwiches. Got to be adaptable. 

“I haven’t got everything – I’ve not seen Moody Tony down the pub, so I’ve not been able to bulk-buy my smuggled tobacco yet – but there’s a six-pack of lighters all ready. 

“And on DVD I’ve got highlights of every Premier League season since 2005, all the Top Gears, and the porn that Matt left when he moved in with Lucy. Think there’ll be streaming? Dream on. 

“I’m ready for no-deal. When they’re out on the streets fighting to the death for a bottle of ketchup I’ll still be dipping my fries. Bring it on.” 

A spokesman for the Office of Emergency Preparedness said: “Mr Muir’s planning is laughable, pathetic and far more advanced than anything we have managed.” 

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Family that didn't send Christmas cards suffers no ill effects whatsoever

A FAMILY that has opted not to send Christmas cards this year is reporting no negative consequences whatsoever.

The Fisher family had feared being shunned for their lack of cardboard-based salutations, but confirmed their worries had been completely unfounded.

Mary Fisher explained: “I was making a Christmas card list and suddenly started to think about all the time and money I’ve spent on seasons greetings over the years.

“Then the idea hit me like a bolt of lightning: why not just fucking not bother? We decided we’ll still say Merry Christmas when we see people, using our words, rather than a series of overpriced multipacks from Marks and Spencer, and 15 quid’s worth of stamps.”

The Fishers’ concerns that they would be cast out from society, or subjected to enquiries about their wellbeing after failing to appear in card form, were quickly put to rest with the discovery that pretty much no one gives a shit about Christmas cards.  

The move has ended several friendships that were based solely on the annual exchange of Christmas cards, but this is also being considered a win for all involved, except Royal Mail.

The decision hasn’t yet, however, saved them from receiving upwards of 50 cards and Aunt Joan’s remarkably passive-aggressive annual family newsletter.