Single man steps up preparations for no-deal Brexit

A SINGLE man living alone has stepped up preparations for a no-deal Brexit by buying 24 tins of all-day breakfast and three crates of Stella. 

Nathan Muir has also laid in 48 Pot Noodles, a full cupboard of teabags and six litres of vodka as anaesthetic in case he has to perform surgery on himself. 

He said: “The freezer’s stocked with burgers, chicken burgers, chicken strips and fish fingers, which I can eat on their own if I can’t get bread for fish finger sandwiches. Got to be adaptable. 

“I haven’t got everything – I’ve not seen Moody Tony down the pub, so I’ve not been able to bulk-buy my smuggled tobacco yet – but there’s a six-pack of lighters all ready. 

“And on DVD I’ve got highlights of every Premier League season since 2005, all the Top Gears, and the porn that Matt left when he moved in with Lucy. Think there’ll be streaming? Dream on. 

“I’m ready for no-deal. When they’re out on the streets fighting to the death for a bottle of ketchup I’ll still be dipping my fries. Bring it on.” 

A spokesman for the Office of Emergency Preparedness said: “Mr Muir’s planning is laughable, pathetic and far more advanced than anything we have managed.”