Bag for life ‘a haunting reminder of mortality’

A REUSABLE shopping bag hanging on the back of a cupboard is a grim reminder of its owner’s inevitable death.

The cheap, hessian-type grocery bag is virtually guaranteed to see teacher Emma Bradford into her cold grave.

Bradford said: “The bag for life is, by definition, a bag until death.

“In a way it’s a real relief to know that the next 40 years of packing shopping are covered, but I guess I always presumed deep down that there’d be other bags.

“Instead I have to come to terms with the idea that the bag will be there at my funeral and then will move on and find someone else.

“Every time I unload milk into the fridge door my thoughts turn to man’s great failure, the inevitability of the abyss.

“Disposable plastic bags are much more fun, they just live in the moment. At least in terms of their attitude, I mean obviously they don’t biodegrade for about a billion years.”

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Dad having weird bonding session with TV salesman

A FATHER-OF-THREE  suddenly developed a blokey relationship with a sales assistant while buying a new TV, it has emerged.

The bonding between Martin Bishop, 48, and shop assistant Tom Logan, 25, took place when Bishop attempted to gain the approval of the younger male.

Bishop’s wife Sarah said: “If Tom said something like ‘It’s worth paying a bit more for a top brand like Sony’, Martin would enthusiastically agree as though it was some particularly wise saying by Jesus or Gandhi.

“When Tom asked if he wanted the TV to watch the football, Martin pretended he was into it by saying things like ‘Mourinho, eh?’ and letting Tom fill in the details. It was a total sham because he prefers cookery programmes.

“The worst thing was when Martin said ‘Of course, the final decision’s up to the missus!’ because he doesn’t normally do that blokey crap which makes you sound like Sid James.”

Bishop said: “Tom’s a great bloke. I can imagine going to the pub with him and having a laugh about stuff like women’s foibles and inferior television brands.

“He’s like a younger version of myself, if I’d been more masculine with an easygoing laddish charm and a comprehensive knowledge of 4K smart TVs.”