Osborne perfects smirk

GEORGE Osborne has been hailed as the greatest smirker in history.

After revealing swingeing government cuts, the chancellor strolled nonchalantly to a Remembrance Sunday ceremony with a look that smirking experts have hailed as a new benchmark.

Facial expression analyst Nikki Hollis said: “The curl of the pursed lips, the slightly narrowed eyes, the scampering demeanour – this is a new pinnacle for smirking.

“He looks like a weasel that’s just stumbled on a big nest of duck eggs. Osborne is the most naturally gifted smirker of his generation.”

Mother-of-two Mary Fisher said: “Whenever I see a picture of Osborne doing that look I quickly read the accompanying text to find out who’s getting fucked over this time.

“I hate the bastard but credit where it’s due, that is a flawless smirk.

“It inspired me to spend the last half hour doing smirks in the mirror and I couldn’t nail it. It’s the eyes, you can’t fake those cold, bead-like little eyes.”

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Speeding drivers demand punishments that do not inconvenience them in any way

MOTORISTS have called for new punishments for speeding that do not penalise them in any meaningful way.

The current system of fines, points and speed awareness courses has been attacked as old-fashioned by drivers who believe it causes resentment, anger and consequently more speeding.

Norman Steele, from Stevenage, said: “I don’t mind the speed camera flashing. That’s fair enough.

“But to get a letter threatening a fine and points on my licence just makes me feel like a criminal, when really I’m the victim in all this.

“Who’s going to get hurt if I crash going at 100mph along a quiet country lane? Not the speed camera. So why hurt me even more?”

Suggested punishments include speed lanes to which persistent speeders are confined, car stickers to show how many times a speeder has been caught and how fast they were going, or permanent police escorts to clear other traffic out of the way.