Bank statement handled like unexploded bomb

A MAN is approaching his bank statement as if he were attempting to deactivate a bomb.

Nathan Muir heard the letter drop through the door, aware that the only post he ever receives is either bank statements or menus for a local takeaway called Chick’n’ Shack. Muir then left it for an hour before approaching it slowly with no sudden movements.

He said: “Carefully reading the statement and understanding its implications is the responsible thing to do, but I also know that last month I spunked £86 on a pair of nunchuks.

“It will now sit menacingly on the kitchen table for a week until I open it when I’m pissed. Then I’ll come downstairs the next day and be forced to look at how much money I haven’t got, but with a massive hangover. It’ll be fine.

“Maybe I should go paperless. It won’t stop me pissing my money up the wall but it’s easy to ‘forget’ to check online.

“I’ll just cross my fingers that my house won’t be repossessed instead.”

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BBC confirms next Question Time to come from Angryborough in South Bigotshire

THE next episode of topical panel show Question Time will be broadcast from Angryborough in the county of South Bigotshire.

The BBC believes the location will ensure a bear pit of shouty, reactionary Brexit obsessives that viewers have come to demand.

Producer Eleanor Shaw said: “Angryborough is perfect for Question Time. The inhabitants once hanged an Alsatian for being German. That was during the summer.

“As usual we’ve loaded the panel with noisy Brexit idiots including Nigel Farage, Julia Hartley-Brewer and Isabel Oakeshott, so the atmosphere should quickly turn toxic with a real danger of a ‘gammon riot’.

“This week’s sacrificial Remainer is Eddie Izzard who’s a bit weird-looking too, so we’ve got the police on standby in case the audience tries to drag him away to an isolated barn.”

Angryborough resident Roy Hobbs said: “I’m really interested to hear what the panel’s got to say and drown them out by screaming ‘Let’s just get out NOW!’ while turning purple.

“My wife’s going to ask an ill-informed question about black people and crime that would be extremely racist if it wasn’t so poorly worded no one can understand it.”