Are you the champion of productivity, or have you replied to one email?

YOU’RE tapping away on your keyboard furiously before leaning back, hands behind head, with a self-satisfied smirk. 

But are you the productivity champion of your office or have you simply sent one, single email? Take our quiz:

When did you last send an email? 

A) A few minutes ago. Oh no, hang on, I just replied to one on my phone. About 50 seconds ago.
B) This morning. 11am. Three different recepients and an attachment. I know. Impressive.

How much of your To Do list did you cross off? 

A) Everything. The secret is to break it down into achievable jobs then you don’t spend hours on one entry, then keep plugging away until it’s clear and you can go home.
B) Item one: send email. Blam. Crossed the motherfucker off. I can’t remember the other items. Probably weren’t important.

Are you pleased with what you achieved today? 

A) I’m well into December’s work while simultaneously covering for a colleague who’s long-term sick, but it’s never enough, is it? I could always have done more.
B) Yeah. I mean did I not say about the email?


Mostly As – You are the unquestioned supreme monarch of the kingdom of productivity. Others should learn from your example but won’t, because it seems like hard work.

Mostly Bs – You have taken this test to avoid doing any actual work. Still you did send that email, so you deserve a break.

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Telling that kid to shut the f**k up will pay dividends, everyone secretly thinking

A CHILD in a supermarket would be happier and more successful in later life if they were told to shut the fuck up and behave, shoppers believe.

Five-year-old Tom Logan’s screaming and running around left many feeling he needed stricter parenting along the lines of a blazing adult row or pre-fight argument in a pub.

Shopper Donna Sheridan said: “I love children but his mum needed to get right up in his face and shout ‘FUCKING BEHAVE, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!’ until he cried.

“If he doesn’t learn normal behaviour he’ll fail at school and end up on the dole with eight kids and a drooling bullmastiff. All for the sake of a simple ‘Shut your fucking mouth!’.

“You could tell other customers were thinking the same thing, but of course you can’t say anything. It’s so sad to see kids not getting the swearing they need.”

Teacher Nathan Muir said: “That little boy is going to have self-control issues in later life. It’s a short step from filling the trolley with boxes of chocolate cereal to burying bodies in your basement.”

Logan’s mum Sophie said: “I’m pretty strict with Tom. Today I told him to stop firing things into people’s gardens with his catapult, or there’ll be no more gerbils this month.”