Bankers who stole everything told now might be good time to give it back

THE bankers who were given a shedload of money in 2008 have been told that now might be a good time to give it back.

With the economy in crisis, many Britons feel that banks who received massive bailouts might like to chip in now with some of their hundreds of billions of pounds.

Investment banker Martin Bishop said: “No.

“It’s our money now. Our understanding was that the cash was stop the banking system collapsing. And to have some spends for dodgy financial products that caused the problem in the first place.

“Money won’t help against coronavirus. What’s the point in giving the nation millions when people can easily make a mask out of some string and an old sock?”

Fellow banker Eleanor Shaw said: “Banks are the most important part of the economy, even if we have a habit of lending each other too much money and trashing said economy.

“I’ve seen what people do in lockdown. How do we know Britain wouldn’t spend the £500 billion on barbecues and cans of lager?”

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Masks to be compulsory for the poor, government announces

THE government has ordered anyone who uses public transport, shops at Asda or whose home is in council tax bands A-C to wear facemasks. 

The ruling, which comes in on June 15th because God forbid this government should order vital public health measures to begin immediately, will stop the lower orders spreading their filthy germs like vermin. 

Health secretary Matt Hancock said: “We are none of us safe from this virus. I got it, and I went to both Oxford and Cambridge. 

“But by muzzling the scum we drastically cut the risk of their warrens becoming a breeding ground for this sickness, eventually infecting people who matter. 

“It also really dehumanises them and makes all the other stuff we’re going to do – massive austerity, involuntary euthanasia, warehouse-sized workhouses – much easier for the squeamish. 

“If you take the bus, watch ITV, shop from catalogues, drive a non-German car, or have ever eaten a Pot Noodle, then masks are mandatory.” 

Hancock added: “Also don’t attempt to speak. We don’t want to hear it.”