BBC apologises for making Piers Morgan look comparatively good

THE BBC issued an official apology last night after comments by Jeremy Clarkson made it possible for Piers Morgan to appear relatively human.

Clarkson’s now-infamous One Show comments about striking public sector workers created a two-hour window in which Piers Morgan was able to leap on Twitter and register his outrage, and thus temporarily look better than someone else.

A BBC spokesman said: “We apologise unreservedly for inadvertently creating a digital portal through which Piers Morgan was able to clamber back into the human race, aided by his oddly endearing use of the word ‘twerp’.

“Measures are currently being taken to ensure that Piers Morgan’s temporary veneer of decency loses its sheen as quickly as possible. By Piers Morgan.”

Piers Morgan said: “The second I saw Alex Jones bite her lower lip, you’d better believe I was straight on Twitter, like a virtual rat up a virtual drainpipe.

“Or more precisely a reptile, going up whatever reptiles go up.

“You have to remember that opportunities like this don’t come along too often. I mean, what else other than Clarkson is less beloved than me?

“The sound of fingernails down a blackboard, huge crab-like spiders and Chlamydia, perhaps, none of which is likely to ever make outrageous comments on a family television show.”



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Appeal of little dogs remains mysterious to everyone except little dog owners

RESEARCHERS into the phenomenon of tiny dog ownership have been unable to fathom why you would want one of those things in your house.

The Institute for Studies has been working to understand why some humans choose to share their homes with what is essentially a toupee that defecates.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When you look across the spectrum of tiny dogs, they are quite diverse but all equally revolting.

“There’s the pale, spindly ones that are like nightmarish burrowing things, and the shaggy greasy ones that are basically small, bony wookies.

“Also the fucked-up snuffly ones whose eyes fall out if you don’t pick them up a certain special way.”

He added: “They should exist only in Tim Burton’s nightmares. Why you would want to exchange money for one, take it home, call it ‘Bambini’ and let it lick your is beyond comprehension.”

Tiny dog owner Nikki Hollis said: “I think maybe the reason I like mini dogs is because I was a witch in a former life. It’s basically the nearest thing you can get to a familiar.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Perhaps the only social group stranger than small dog owners are husky owners.

“There the dynamic of weirdness is reversed in that the husky is not an unappealing beast but the people who keep them, well, you wouldn’t want them getting on your bed.”