A FIVE-year-old beard has sought a divorce from his 28-year-old London-based owner.
The facial hair will move in with an ironic sailor tattoo, formerly attached to a burlesque dancer named Cherri.
The beard said: “Hamish was a nice enough guy, but it felt like I was carrying him in social situations rather than the other way around.
“People would say ‘Hey, great beard’ but rather than introduce me he’d blather on about the boutique festival he was curating.
“By the end I was deliberately trapping bits of pulled pork in myself just to spite him, and that’s no way to live.”
The beard added: “I’d like to say we’ll stay friends, but now he’s clean-shaven I don’t expect he’ll be invited to any of the interactive cinema events on my social calendar.”
