Beeping clears traffic jams: a driving lesson from an Audi owner

JULIAN Cook, Audi driver and all round car bellend, gives his take on the rules of the road.

Park where you please

If I’m not at a corporate lunch or networking on the golf course, I’m ferrying my gifted children to one of their many extracurricular activities. Thank god for double-yellow lines keeping vast sections of convenient road space free, so that I can park right by the music school to let little Oliver hop out for his cello lessons.

Passing cyclists

Those on bikes are vulnerable road users and could be in mortal danger if an incompetent driver gets too close. As such, it’s best to reassure them that, as an Audi owner, I possess excellent control of my vehicle. I do this  by speeding past them while leaving as little room as possible.

Beeping clears traffic jams

Other road users are to be pitied as most of them will never be able to afford an Audi. Due to their inferior intellect, they may simply forget what they’re doing while driving and slow down, thus causing a traffic jam. My constant beeping will remind them to start driving again, and also that I am amazing because I spaffed sixty grand up the wall on a car.

Driving behind someone

Most drivers fear being rear-ended. They know that their cars, which lack the same high construction standards typical of all Audis, would instantly crumple on impact. Driving as close to the car in front of me thus gives them peace of mind, as they know they’re buffered from other road users by several tons of premium German engineering.

Talking on your phone

To afford even one of the more modest Audis you need to be a highly successful executive. I am constantly driving to meetings, apart from when I’m on the way to play squash with Sebastian and the boys. Holding a phone to my ear indicates to other road users just how busy I am, and that they should pull over to let me pass.

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'We will still f**k' promise unvaccinated Strictly dancers

THE professionals on Strictly who have refused Covid vaccines have reassured the nation that they will still f**k their celebrity partners. 

The dancers believe the vaccine is insufficiently tested but will continue to test any and all available marriages to breaking point and beyond.

A dancer, speaking anonymously, said: “You don’t know what’s in that vaccine. But I know exactly what’s in Greg Wise – a middle-aged yearning for sexy fun that eventually reaches consummation in a Fleetwood Travelodge.

“I’ll trust my immune system to deal with Covid, thanks, and I’ll trust my youthful looks, natural sense of rhythm and a job where I rub against him all day to get headlines for ruining Emma Thompson’s marriage.

“Catching Covid is a risk I’m prepared to take. Being caught nuts-deep in a gorgeous and flexible dancer is a risk Greg’s clearly prepared to take, or he wouldn’t have done the show.”

A BBC spokesman said: “In this pandemic, Britain needs the fantasy of dumping your dull-ass long-term boyfriend for a hot Russian who goes like a train more than ever.

“Strictly will provide. It’s literally in their contracts.”