The checklist of bullshit in every Boris Johnson speech

DESPITE considering himself a consummate orator, every speech by Boris Johnson is peppered with bullshit. Tick off his idiocy as it appears:

A joke that falls flat

The easiest piece of bullshit to spot, mainly because the press will pounce on it at the expense of the substance of his speech. The punchline will rely on an outdated and misinterpreted cultural reference, and is typically greeted with gales of silence from the audience. He will repeat it a couple of times, thinking that they didn’t get it.

Casual Latin

The best speeches are emotive, relatable, and easy to understand, which is why they don’t rely on a dead language to get their point across. Johnson however includes the odd Latin quip in an attempt to look smart, just in case you’d forgotten he went to Oxford and joined the Bullingdon Club. Don’t expect him to say ‘mea culpa’.

Confusing metaphors

As the leader of the country, Johnson has to deliver bad news in a way that makes it clear it’s not his fault, even though it is. To help cushion the blow, he’ll describe everything from food shortages to the impending destruction of the climate in a series of military metaphors that leave no one with any idea what he’s talking about.

Rampant hypocrisy

‘It’s time for humanity to grow up’ exclaimed an exasperated Johnson at the UN climate summit. This coming from a man who built his career on clownish buffoonery and paints models of buses for fun. We’re not the ones who flew across an ocean for a meeting that could have been done over Zoom.

Vapid sloganeering

Speeches are rambling, tedious affairs, especially when Johnson’s at the mic. To go out on a high, Johnson will wrap up with a random string of words that almost sound as if they mean something. Luckily the insightful British public can see through the empty promises of ‘take back control’ and ‘build back better’. Oh.

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Five bollocks childhood memories your brain made up

CHILDHOOD was an idyllic, carefree time where everything was wonderful. Or was it? Here are five lies your brain tells you about it:

The sun always shone all summer long

Bollocks. Your brain can’t be arsed remembering the endless days of incessant rain, and why should it? No one wants to dwell on being bored shitless stuck in the house before they’d  invented the internet and all you had to entertain you was Connect 4.

Subbuteo was brilliant

Even in the primitive world before Playstations, Subbuteo was unrealistic rubbish. Have you ever seen a real life footballer shoot from 30 yards out and somehow end up flying into the back of the net before the ball did? Let’s face it: Subbuteo was shit.

We’d graze our knees playing and it wouldn’t bother us one bit

The truth is you bawled your eyes out every time you came off your bike and skinned your knee, just like any other child. Not least because you knew it meant your mum would scrub it with TCP that stung worse than the original injury, after first giving you a clip round the ear for being so clumsy.

Christmas was such a magical time

Christmas as a kid was about hoping and praying you’d get the new BMX you wanted so desperately, and then experiencing crushing disappointment when your parents had fobbed you off with a Care Bear. And they made you eat lunch while the Top of the Pops Christmas special was on, the vindictive bastards.

School days were the best days

If you were at school during the 80s or 90s bullying was basically part of the curriculum and if you told a member of staff about it they’d give you detention for being a tell tale. In those days the teachers could fling chalk, blackboard rubbers or even chairs at you and nobody would bat an eyelid. It was Grange Hill on steroids.