Best man's speech hits just the wrong note

A BEST man’s speech did not strike just the right balance between risque humour and poor taste, it has emerged.

Wayne Hayes’ speech about groom Tom Logan was unpleasant, embarrassing and left new bride Rachel Logan with doubts about the future of their marriage.

Wedding guest Nikki Hollis said: “The bit about Tom’s food poisoning in Tenerife was gross. I don’t think anyone wanted to know there was diarrhoea coming out of his shorts.

“Then Wayne dredged up some nasty argument Rachel’s dad had with Tom about him drinking too much. Luckily that was mostly just confusing.

“The real tumbleweed moment was how Tom needed counselling after some Australian woman broke off their engagement in 2010. She looked like Keira Knightley, apparently.”

However Hayes defended the speech: “People were really paying attention during the bit about Tom almost dying from meningitis when he was six. I knew that was a good story.

“I managed to reference all his ex-girlfriends, including that woman Eva who was about 30 years older than him. And I still managed to fit in him failing his degree.”

Tom Logan said: “I’d kind of assumed Wayne would focus more on things like our hilariously useless amateur football team, not my £24,000 debts.”

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Four ways to be a pain in the arse when someone else is talking

WHETHER someone is hosting a meeting or telling a story, they are taking precious attention away from you. Here are five handy ways you can get the focus back on yourself by being an absolute shit.

Interrupt with an irrelevant question
Aren’t great stories horrible? The way they enrapture everyone around the table but you. Best to wait to the crescendo of the tale then butt in with an irrelevant question. It’s the narrative equivalent of a hard kick in the genitals.

Managing people is really hard, so if you feel someone is hosting a meeting well undermine them with eye-rolls. It’s amazing how you can convey to everyone in the room that the person speaking is a dick just with your ratty little eyeballs.

Teeth suck
Like the eye-roll but with enhanced audio. Sucking on your teeth is brilliant for showing your disdain for a speaker by making a weird, really annoying little sound that could pass as you just trying to remove some ham from your head.

Coughing fit
Your dinner party host is being really charming. Stop them dead with a coughing fit, which you can amp up by asking everyone if they think the room is really hot too? A few innocuous complaints later and you’re the centre of attention again.