Best part of holiday is looking in estate agents’ windows

UK holidaymakers have confirmed that looking in estate agents’ windows to see what they could afford in the area is the highlight of every trip. 

From Cornwall to the Isle of Lewis, Britons are pausing for up to 20 minutes at a time to price up property they would never actually buy.

Nikki Hollis, holidaying on the Yorkshire coast, said: “Not cheap around here. £280k for a two-bed bungalow that needs work. Still I bet the schools are good.

“A lot more affordable than bloody Cornwall last year. Three hundred and fifty grand for a two-bed terrace with ‘sea glimpses’. We talked about that all day and eventually the kids joined in. It was much better than going to the beach.

“Ah, that year we went to Shropshire? Fantastic fortnight.  In Oswestry you’re getting three beds for under two hundred. Shame the area was so shit.”

Julian Cook, holidaying in Wales, said: “It’s different for us. Being from London, we could easily turn our two-bed flat over a chip shop into a palatial coastal property.

“But we can’t because of our idiotic metropolitan jobs and pathetic urban lifestyle.”

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Nastiest men on Tinder identifiable by use of phrase ‘nice guy’

THE worst men on Tinder can be easily identified with the use of a simple two word phrase in their profile, sociologists have revealed.

An extensive analysis of the dating app found that the nastiest male users were helpfully marking themselves out to potential matches by claiming to be “nice guys”.

Researcher Dr Julianne Cook explained: “It’s an immediate red flag. If you see the phrase ‘just a nice guy’, ‘one of the good guys’ or any variant thereof, he is a monster and you should swipe left immediately.

“Our studies found that conversations with these men tend to deteriorate quickly, going from calling a woman ‘princess’ or ‘so beautiful’ to ‘a fucking bitch’ and bombarding her with unsolicited dick pics within 12 hours.”

Advice for male Tinderers includes avoiding women who only have pouty selfies as profile pictures, as this is a sign they have driven all their friends and family away with self-obsessed behaviour.

Potential dates, both male and female, who say they “love to laugh” are statistically likely to be the most tedious people you will ever meet.

Meanwhile those “looking for a partner in crime” are unlikely to have done anything more rebellious than getting a henna tattoo on an all-inclusive holiday.