Best thing about getting old is being spoken to like a f**king toddler, say OAPs

ONE of the most fantastic things about getting old is being spoken to like a child, pensioners have confirmed.

While some aspects of the ageing process can be challenging, such as common health complaints and thoughts of impending death, OAPs said being addressed as if you are a toddler ‘really softens the blow’.

Martin Bishop, 79, said: “My children communicate to me entirely through baby talk now. The other day my eldest daughter asked me if I’d like a ‘drinky’.

“It’s so sweet of her. Nothing pays a more fitting tribute to the life I have lived – including the decades raising her and her brothers and my career as an architect – than reducing me to the status of a pre-schooler.”

Retired headmistress Margaret Gerving, 82, added: “The other day a woman on the bus bellowed at me to stand still so she could ‘help me off’.

“Then she kept shouting ‘You’re OK, don’t worry’ as she dragged me across the road by the elbow, in a different direction to the one I had planned.

“It was just so fucking considerate.”

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Woman wearing shitloads of perfume making everyone else wear it too

A WOMAN who liberally douses herself in awful perfume is leaving an invasive trail of scent on everyone she touches, it has emerged.

Francesca Johnson, 42, has chosen Givenchy Organza Indecence as her signature scent but reeks so strongly of it that her path across a room can be followed several hours later.

Colleague Donna Sheridan said: “It’s wrapped around her like an evil aura. If I talk to her any longer than a minute my eyes start watering.

“And she’s one of those dreadful people who insists on hugging you for the most insignificant of reasons, letting her sickly stench pervade your clothes and follow you for hours.

“It’s like being followed around by a particularly potent fart, but one that smells of ylang ylang and lemon curd. It was all I could taste on my Subway this lunchtime.

“Wherever I go in the building, I know if she’s been there and how long ago. This must be how it is for dogs.”

Sheridan added: “Perfume is weird. What kind of nutter pays ninety quid to spray whale sick and cat anus on their neck?”