Big Rise In Women Getting Above Themselves

THE number of women getting above themselves has risen from ‘all right love keep you hair on’ to ‘God, is it that time of the month already?’, a new study reveals. 

According to the research the amount of humourless ballbreakers in charge of departments, or even whole companies, rose from 3.2% last year to an astonishing 3.3% in 2008.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said this meant record numbers of women were now being totally unreasonable at work after some harmless banter or minor misunderstanding.

He added: “I arrived late at a seminar the other day and asked the nice wee lassie taking notes if she wouldn’t mind getting me a glass of water and a couple of bourbons.

“Turned out she was chairing the meeting. She went fucking nuts.”

Bill McKay, 56, said: “I was flying off to Tenerife last year when the pilot comes on the tannoy to tell us about the headwinds and stuff, and it’s only a bloody woman, isn’t it.

“I said to the stewardess, ‘I hope we don’t have to reverse into any parking spaces at the other end’. She thought I was bloody hilarious.”

Wayne Hayes, chief analyst at stockbrokers Donnelly-McPartlin, added: “We just took on this maths PhD from Cambridge, not a bad looker, but when we took her out to the Spearmint Rhino for a bit of team building she just sat stony faced all night.

“When we told her we’d like her to sleep with one of the clients, who was bloody rich anyway, she slapped us with a lawsuit.




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Keegan And Newcastle Pledge To Drive Off A Cliff Together

KEVIN  Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.

The pair have been on a brief but emotional road trip since Keegan abandoned his boring, domestic life, running a soccer school on a Glasgow industrial estate.

But his bid for a new life has been a failure, apart from one night of crazy sex with a Brad Pitt impersonator from Tynemouth.

An emotional Newcastle said: "Kevin, I'm so sorry I dragged you into this. If you want to get out I'll understand. But it's too late for me. I can't go back – you know that, right?"

An emotional Keegan replied: "I know we should probably never have done this. But I couldn't sit around one more day watching my life go down the drain.

"You saved me Newcastle. You made me feel more alive than any man and I love you for that."

He added: "We've come this far and I'll be damned if we're gonna stop now."

Later this week Keegan and Newcastle are expected to drive to the edge of a quarry on the outskirts of Gateshead, where they will hold hands and accelerate at full speed into oblivion.

Meanwhile Roy Keane and Sunderland are finalising their plans to run out of a little house with guns blazing, into the face of 100 heavily armed Bolivian soldiers.