BINGE drinkers are highly sensitive intellectuals coping with the inherent pain of human existence, it has emerged.
Despite appearing to be anti-social hedonists, binge drinkers are courageous individuals who have considered their meaningless existence in an infinite cosmic void and decided to get pissed.
Data inputter Wayne Hayes said: “For me, war and famine preclude the existence of a loving god, which is why I am drinking 15 Sambucas in a rammed chain pub.
“Later I shall probably cop off with a fat girl I don’t really fancy just to take my mind off the fact that everyone and everything I know and love faces certain oblivion.
“There is no God, however there is lots of booze.”
Waitress Nikki Hollis said: “I believe Shelley best encapsulated the futility of human endeavour with the line ‘Look on my work, ye mighty, and despair’ from the 1818 poem Ozymandias. I expect he shat himself in kebab shops too.
“Once you’ve seen the truth, four bottles of Lambrini is the only rational option. To paraphrase Nietzsche, I have looked into the abyss and been sick in it.”
Recent attempts by the police to reduce binge drinking by handing out life-affirming pictures of kittens, sunsets and loving families failed after drinkers said their fragile beauty was too poignant.