Black-eyed ghost child just wants scooter

THE terrifying black-eyed child haunting Cannock Chase is only after a scooter, it explained.

The child, who has been approaching solitary walkers with a blood-curdling scream, was trying to get their attention before pointing out what it wanted in the Toys R Us catalogue.

800-year-old ghost child Tom Booker said: “It’s got Ben 10 Alien Force on it, which is my favourite show to watch while standing silently at the windows. And you can do tricks on it like Tony Hawk.

“Please can I have it, please? If you don’t let me I’ll open a portal to the underworld and watch as you’re dragged down screaming to the Stygian depths. Please?”

Residents agreed to get the ghost the scooter, but have warned that was the last present until Christmas and no driving anyone mad.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Couple begins three-week process of initiating sex

A COUPLE has begun the first tentative moves towards sexual intercourse within the next 12 to 14 weeks.

Stephen and Emma Malley, who have been together for 13 years, are a day into the programme of deliberate touching and loaded remarks which will conclude 20 days later with some sex.

Stephen said: “I’m already ahead of our roadmap for intercourse by grazing both breasts and buttocks in the last 24 hours, while Emma has already proposed a ‘No iPad’ evening.

“Over the next fortnight our pre-foreplay foreplay, where we turn off the telly just to talk, will continue. Compliments will be given.

“I’m fully confident that we’ll be making sweet love before the seasons change, or at least before they change twice if neither of us has a work thing.”

The couple have agreed that, after sex, they will enjoy the relief of having it out of the way for the next fortnight before beginning the whole process again.