Blackberrys, poking, watching Lost: Really-quite-recent things young people haven't heard of

YOUNG people were put on this Earth to make you feel old and irrelevant. Here are five recent things which, depressingly, will mean nothing to them.

Susan Boyle

SuBo was the most famous person in the world for a bit, thanks to her magical rags-to-rich tale, which was basically ‘scruffy downtrodden woman can sing’. Nowadays you’ll be lucky to find a young person who watches the once-mighty Britain’s Got Talent. So save your rave reviews, Susan has gone the way of Wagner, Jedward and Stavros Flatley. Lost in time, like tears in the rain.

Poking

Before you could instantly send high-resolution images of your genitalia to a potential romantic partner, people used to ‘poke’. Youngsters won’t believe this online flirtation was done on Facebook, the site for grandparents, anti-vaxxers and dodgy adverts for cheap Ray-Bans. Talk to anyone under 30 about poking and you’ll get the same blank stares you used to give your dad when he droned on about 8-track tapes. 

The Ice Bucket Challenge

For the youth of today, explain this as ‘a bit like donating to Captain Tom’s walk’. Except you didn’t have to donate anything and you made it all about yourself. Allegedly for charity, it was mainly an excuse for famous people with absolutely nothing to hide, like Will Smith, Tom Cruise and Tiger Woods, to look altruistic. 

Watching Lost

TV on demand has ruined the youth of today. Not so long ago, the entire country was hooked on patiently watching one episode a week of Lost. Six series and 121 episodes. Imagine how good it would’ve been if you’d known what was going on. Now kids can watch anything, any time, anywhere, and it definitely won’t be this massive f**king con trick which JJ Abrams made up as he went along.

BlackBerrys

The device du jour less than a decade ago. But mention them to a young person and they’ll spit in your face because Android is a dirty word to them. And they might be right. Tiny, unusable keyboard – check. Awful software – check. Used mostly by wankers – double check. Maybe it’s only fair that youngsters missed BlackBerrys. We’re already leaving them with financial and environmental disaster, so while the world burns they should at least be able to send a text.

Dear Donna: I've surrounded myself with idiots and everyone hates me. How do I maintain my optimism?

DEAR Donna,

My high-profile job is at risk because I’ve surrounded myself with inept morons and pathetic toadies who are slowly turning against me. How can I lift my flagging spirits?

It all started so well. I swept into work on my first day buoyed up by smiling faces and cheering crowds. This was my dream job and I’d made loads of empty promises to get it.

I couldn’t do any wrong. Even when I f**ked up catastrophe after catastrophe, colleagues were always on my side, especially Nadine, who I admit is not all there. It was like I was bulletproof and I got drunk on the power.

Lots of unsavoury stories about me came out, and that’s when the mood started to turn. I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ve been a bit of an arse and people are actually holding me to account for it! Unbelievable, I know.

They tried to boot me out but I stood firm. Now even more people are telling me to leave and I’m worried that the idiots in my team might have woken up to the fact I’m a fat, useless bluffer. What should I do?

‘Alex’ of London

Donna replies: It’s easy to blame others when you yourself are at fault. Have you considered that your ineptitude is the cause of your lack of optimism? Maybe you should lay off the wine and try and do five minutes work for once in your life.

As for winning over your colleagues, that usually requires a degree of humility. Have you tried a sincere apology? If that doesn’t work, offer them a promotion. If they’re the ambitious arse-lickers you say that will keep them in line.

If all else fails, salvage some self-respect by accepting responsibility for the situation. It might involve walking away from your job, but by the sounds of it that could make everyone, including yourself, much happier.

I trust you have a competent successor in place should you resign? You wouldn’t want to leave an even worse person in charge to clear up your mess. That would be really depressing for everyone.

Hope that helps!

Donna