Boris unveils latest obvious solution

BORIS Johnson has unveiled his newest idea that could not possibly go wrong.

The London mayor has called for Muslim children in danger of radicalisation to be taken away from their parents, because that will make them fall in love with Britain.

Johnson insisted that children who are taken into care always turn into ‘really spiffing people’ without the slightest hint of resentment or anger.

Writing in the Daily Telegraph, he stressed that the people who have their children taken away ‘won’t really mind’ and that a ‘few weeks of not having noisy brats around the house will soon make them realise why British social services are the best in the world’.

He added: “Radical Muslims are just not very jolly. But I’ve always believed that the best way to cheer someone up is to kick their door down and hustle their kids into the back of a van.”

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Simon Cowell's tips for new mothers

PEOPLE talk about the pressure new mums are under. But the fact is: if you can’t handle it, you shouldn’t be here.

Breast vs Bottle Feeding

Okay, there’s no right or wrong way to feed your baby. But I’m not gonna sit here and tell you you’re doing it right, when clearly you’re doing it wrong. Only very few people really get this. Look, I breastfed all my children, from Harry ‘Biter’ Styles to Matt ‘Blocked Duct’ Cardle. I know the stress of the dreaded 8am start and the agony of angry, engorged mammaries. But there comes a time when I don’t want to feel like a couple of milk bags for some mewling pest. My body is beautiful – and sexual. It’s time I reclaimed it for me.

Reconstructive Vaginoplasty

Okay, I’m gonna give you some advice here. Childbirth is stressful so it’s only natural to suffer some loss of tone. But deal with it. When I go to executive lunches at Fox network, I need to know I can sneeze with supreme confidence and at maximum volume. But you don’t need a surgeon to give you that edge: you just have to get that pelvic floor back up out of your gusset and tight around your ribcage where it belongs. A good exercise is to abruptly stop urinating mid-stream. Remember to ensure a colleague is nearby because if no one sees you doing it, they just assume you can’t. If you’re at the staff urinal and suspect they aren’t paying enough attention, stop mid-flow, stare at them until you’re satisfied they are, and then release the remainder of your stream.

Phonics

Phonics is a sham – a complete waste of everyone’s time. At the end of the day the only things that matter are the way you sound and what you look like. This is why I’d be doing my offspring an unkindness if I said he didn’t make noises like a seagull going through a Dyson. To me, it seems he’s just opening his mouth and blasting the first thing that comes into his head. Where’s the originality? He is quite literally murdering the English language. But… I have to say in a weird way, I quite like him. He reminds me of Adele.