Boundary of North decided by measuring Kent resident's lip curl

THE government is to decide where the North begins by putting a Kent man on the train to Leeds and measuring his disdain.

Family solicitor Julian Cook of Hythe will board the East Coast main line, wired with devices that will measure lip curling, involuntary shudders and rapid eye movement indicating he does not know where to look.

He said: “Some say the demarcation line is poverty, but there’s poverty in the south. The next-doors have a Peugeot 308 as their only car.

“What are they going to use this data for? Are they building the wall, at last?”

A Treasury spokesman said: “By sending unmanned probes up the M1 we have conclusively established that the North exists, and now it falls to the brave, and sadly doomed, Mr Cook to find exactly where.

“Then we will be able to build our Northern powerhouse there and bring prosperity, happiness and gourmet burgers to the region.

“Early indications are that it’s somewhere around Stevenage, so nice and handy for London.”

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You will be judged on approach to M25 from M4, warns God

MORTALS will be judged on whether they choose to jump the queue for the M25, God has confirmed.

God said: “It is a simple but effective test of character. The minute you see that queue for the M25, you join it at the BACK.

“What you do not do is try to get as close as possible by carving up about thirty cars before blocking lane one of the M4 while waiting for someone to let you in. That’s what is known as giving in to temptation.

“You may shave a couple of minutes off your journey but it is a mistake you will have all eternity to ponder on as you sit in a lava pool having your shoulders flayed.”

God added: “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than it is for a BMW driver to enter the kingdom of heaven”.