THE government is to decide where the North begins by putting a Kent man on the train to Leeds and measuring his disdain.
Family solicitor Julian Cook of Hythe will board the East Coast main line, wired with devices that will measure lip curling, involuntary shudders and rapid eye movement indicating he does not know where to look.
He said: “Some say the demarcation line is poverty, but there’s poverty in the south. The next-doors have a Peugeot 308 as their only car.
“What are they going to use this data for? Are they building the wall, at last?”
A Treasury spokesman said: “By sending unmanned probes up the M1 we have conclusively established that the North exists, and now it falls to the brave, and sadly doomed, Mr Cook to find exactly where.
“Then we will be able to build our Northern powerhouse there and bring prosperity, happiness and gourmet burgers to the region.
“Early indications are that it’s somewhere around Stevenage, so nice and handy for London.”