Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from the BBC regarding your new version of Fake Or Fortune about breasts.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You have to stop pretending your jazz pianist career is going well when you finally start sleeping in the piano.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Friday you’ll be working in just your pants. The fact you’ll be working from home is merely a happy coincidence.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you wonder why Hollywood stopped making films you could really relate to, about wonder emporiums owned by people called Mr Magorium.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
When you find somebody that can cut your hair just the way you like it, you want to hang on to them. But their relatives eventually drag you out so they can fill the grave.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Musicians will tell you that people will pay $5 for a coffee but not for an album. But in fairness, Starbucks don’t make coffees featuring a guest appearance by Pitbull.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You manage to reach a compromise with your neighbour this weekend when they agree to keep their music down after 11pm and you agree to stop pissing all over their car in the middle of the night and not telling them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s 2015, so maybe finally time to take your high score on Pac Man off the ‘achievements’ section of your CV.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s true that your cat is like a little human being, inasmuch as like every other human in the world it doesn’t care less whether you drop dead.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
It pays to be sensible. By cancelling Sky, switching energy providers and transferring your credit card to a 0% introductory offer, you’ve managed to save enough money to afford crack on Mondays now, too.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not convince a colleague that Hanson’s single MMMBop is about somebody punching a meditating Buddhist monk?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
67% humidity tonight. Like the breath of an elderly relative after soup.

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Donald Trump thinks his hair and personality are good

BILLIONAIRE Donald Trump is fully satisfied with how his hairstyle and character have turned out.

When not offending Mexican people, buying hideous art or obsessing about golf, Trump admitted he spends a lot of time feeling happy and at peace with himself.

He said: “When I look at my hair, the balance between lustre, volume and manliness could not be more pleasing. It reeks of virility while conforming to all classical standards of beauty.

“And my hair is a good metaphor for my personality, which equally could not be improved.

“I never think ‘oh no I fucked up’, for the simple reason that I do not fuck up. That is partly why everyone likes me.”

Trump is currently working on some new material about the Finnish, one of the nations he has not yet picked on: “I guess I just don’t like their incredibly complex language and their wealth of scientific research papers.”

“Also I’m planning to have a go at Madagascar for its excessive vanilla production.”