Brave racist speaks out in climate of racism

A BRAVE racist has not allowed the atmosphere of hostility toward Islam to stop him speaking out against Muslims.

Swivel-eyed bigot Roy Hobbs has refused to be silenced after the Charlie Hebdo attack, which he believes has made his illogical, hate-filled views perfectly reasonable.

Hobbs said: “You won’t hear anyone criticising the attackers because of political correctness, or at least that’s what’s happening in the imaginary universe inside my head.

“As a racist I feel it’s my duty to stand up and say things that go way beyond any legitimate criticism of Islamic fundamentalism.

“They should send them back to Bongo Bongo land on a banana boat and they can take the Jews and the Welsh with them too.

“Yes, I really am that racist.”

Hobbs was praised by other racists for expanding the debate over Charlie Hebdo to include the the use of pet cats in Chinese takeaways and the poor personal hygiene of the French.


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Sexually adventurous couple only doing it to look good

A COUPLE who experiment sexually are only doing it to appear broadminded, it has emerged.

Partners Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis are secretly repulsed by their fantastic love life but cannot give it up for fear of appearing repressed and suburban.

Logan said: “When we’re experimenting with new positions and love toys I really just want to do it in the old fashioned way with the lights off, or better still not do it at all and just watch a nice film like The Incredible Journey.

“Unfortunately we want to be the sort of sexually sophisticated people you read about in Marie Claire, so we’re just going to have to keep having mind-blowing orgasms however much we despise it.”

Hollis said: “I hate doing all these incredibly dirty things, but it does make me feel better than my friends with dreary sex lives. And you can’t put a price on feeling superior to other people.”

Tonight Logan and Hollis plan to install and use a sex harness in their bedroom, even though Book at Bedtime is a novel about Chinese peasants.