Brexit riots ‘would be shittest riots ever’

ANY riots caused by Brexit being cancelled or watered down would be extremely poor quality, experts believe.

Civil unrest is likely to be crap due to Brexiters being elderly or unwilling to do more than walk to a polling station for the pathetic satisfaction of telling the EU to bugger off.

Riot policeman Tom Logan said: “We’d probably be administering first aid to rioters who’d given themselves a hernia trying to throw a brick.

“A mass charge by mobility scooters could leave officers with slightly bruised legs, but we could just block their path with police vans until bladder issues forced them to retreat.”

Political analyst Nikki Hollis said: “A problem for any Brexit riot is that many supporters are just internet hard men who’d run a mile from real-life opposition, even it’s just some Guardian-reading ponce.

“A lot were pig-ignorant about what they were voting for anyway, so it’s likely they’ve completely lost interest now the debate has moved on to lots of really tedious, complicated stuff.

“Also, by their very nature, Brexiters are more likely to throw a brick through their own windows.”

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Channel 4’s Bake Off 'may never happen', claims Vince Cable

LIB Dem leader-in-waiting Sir Vince Cable has unveiled his ‘List of Things That May Never Happen’.

Cable, whom claims he was once a cabinet minister, said the things that may never happen include the Channel 4 version of the Great British Bake Off, an REM reunion, a fifth Indiana Jones film, Brexit and the reappearance of the hair on the top his head.

He told BBC1’s Andrew Marr Reads the Papers: “We’re still waiting for Channel 4 to give us a transmission date for the new Bake Off.

“I suspect something has gone horribly wrong with Pru Leith and the whole thing will have to be scrapped.

“And an REM reunion would be good for Guardian readers, but not necessarily good for Britain. A fifth Indiana Jones film would be – if it’s 100 times better than the fourth one – unbelievably awful.

“The most likely scenario is that my hair will grow back just before I become prime minister.”