Brexiters confident obscure local grievances will be in government plan

BREXITERS believe the weird local grievances that made them vote Leave will be addressed in the government’s plans.

Thousands are convinced Brexit will solve problems like their local town centre being full of manky pigeons, or people skateboarding on pavements.

Pensioner Mary Fisher said: “There’s too many teenagers using bad language in the pedestrian precinct and they closed down the wool shop, so naturally I voted to leave the EU.

“I’m sure the Brexit plan will sort it out, not to mention my friend Linda finally getting a decent TV signal and my grandson Lee finding a course where he can study sport and dinosaurs.

“Also the bus service to Snedley has stopped going to Latchford Heath and you have to get on a different one at Lobwick, so the sooner they trigger Article 50 the better.”

Shopkeeper Roy Hobbs said: “This area has been depressed since the local factory shut down, but after Brexit we can reopen it and start making video recorders again.

“I’m also hoping Brexit will make Magnums massive again like they used to be.”

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Attractive colleague given inappropriately expensive gift

AWKWARDNESS has descended on an office after a man bought an expensive Christmas gift for a female colleague, it has emerged.  

Staff at Dunton Print Services had been exchanging modest gifts when Tom Logan presented attractive co-worker Emma Bradford with a £75 Bluetooth speaker.

Onlooker Donna Sheridan said: “We normally give each other things like large bags of Maltesers or a free calendar sent from a supplier, so it was a surprise to see a properly gift-wrapped box.

“When she opened it, it was clearly a proper present, at which point there was an incredibly awkward atmosphere and time seemed to slow down a bit.

“Tom said something like ‘You said you hadn’t got a Bluetooth speaker so I thought, why not?’ but he may as well have said, ‘I love you with every fibre of my being!’

“Emma said ‘That’s really nice!’ but you could tell she was mentally rehearsing a ‘I like you as a friend’ conversation, which made me feel strangely sorry for Tom, the twat.”

Logan said: “I decided to get her a present she’d make good use of. The fact that she is beautiful and I think about touching her wonderfully soft skin all the time is purely coincidental.”