Bristol is best city because you can smoke weed in the street

BRISTOL is the UK’s best city to live in because cannabis is unofficially legal there, it has been claimed.

The south west’s leading stoner enclave topped The Times’s UK city survey for having an Amsterdam-like tolerance to pot that is weirdly never mentioned in the mainstream media.

32-year-old Stephen Malley, who recently moved to Bristol, said: “I first came here to visit my cousin, and the first thing I noticed was a couple sharing a skunk bifter outside Broadmead shopping centre.

“There were police around and everything, but they didn’t give a toss.

“Since moving down I’ve discovered that every other person in the city has a grow room, even middle-aged women with mum hair. It’s great.

“I’m not getting too much done though. Well I’ve got this idea for a really good dubstep track but not the means or motivation to realise it.

“Also I’ve gotten into circus skills and the sort of politics that you learn from graffiti.”

The Times also praised Bristol for having all its rich people live together on a big hill, in a weird kind of segregation that gives it “an interesting science fiction feel”.

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Hawking admits quantum gambling habit

STEPHEN Hawking has made millions by using quantum theory in gambling, he has revealed.

The physicist funds his deep thinking-time by using the multiple-universe theory to prove his horse or greyhound has come in first.

Hawking said: “It can be difficult to explain to the cashier at Wimbledon dog track that Mystic Nights in the 7:20 race both did and didn’t place by a nose.

“I once got turfed out of White City for failing to convince them the betting slip I’d tampered with wasn’t just in a process of flux between two states.”

Hawking began doing physics-based gambling as a student,when he would bet people he could make three pints of Guinness disappear into an alternate reality in under a minute.

He was banned from Las Vegas for quantum card counting, a method that proves that all possible cards have been dealt simultaneously meaning he has blackjack and the dealer has a bust hand of infinity.

Hawking’s latest betting project employs string theory to show that all football teams are connected on a sub-atomic level, meaning the 1000-1 bet he has placed on Manchester United winning the league this year will be valid.

He said: “If anyone read more than 20 pages of A Brief History Of Time they’d discover it is mainly about how to make big money at casinos.”