Britain an enchanted authoritarian fairytale dystopian kingdom

IF you watched a film where princes and kings paraded around in full regalia while protesters were arrested, it would be too far fetched, experts have agreed.

After almost a week of seeing people playing gold trumpets in silly ceremonial hats while those holding mildly rebellious signs are cuffed and led away, it has been confirmed that the UK is a ridiculous country.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s like we’re currently living in Cinderella crossed with Children of Men, or Minority Report with an unlikely Disney twist.

“Or maybe it’s more akin to The Matrix where we’re meant to be plugged into a delightful magical kingdom and anyone attempting to bring instability to our simulated reality is ruthlessly hunted down and terminated.

“Still, it’s probably best to fully immerse yourself in the theme park fantasy land version of Britain for now, because it’s going to be really bad once this is over and the dark, cold winter of the Truss era sets in.

“So enjoy the bank holiday, have a couple of beers to toast the Queen, and buckle up, because it will be full Hunger Games from then on.”

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I'm certainly not up to anything while nobody's looking, says Truss

LIZ Truss has reassured the nation that she is certainly not using the blank cheque of a scrutiny-free opening period as prime minister to do anything bad.

The country’s new leader told Britain, in a low-key no-headlines-necessary way, that she and her team were hard at work on policies to benefit the whole country and not engaged in any kind of behind-the-scenes stitch-up.

She continued: “For example this energy bills business, which we’re putting together while you’re all busy looking at something else and rushing through. That will be brilliantly fair.

“Likewise the bills banning strike action, replacing your old-fashioned European human rights with special Brits-only rights and our new ‘lose your citizenship’ laws are all stuff you’d approve of so don’t need to hear about.

“Why would I be plotting with the vested interests who fund the Tory party, and specifically my leadership campaign, at a time like this? I wouldn’t be. So I’m not.

“You guys all just pay your respects and don’t think about me or my government who aren’t up to anything nefarious. We’ll see you with a load of bold new not-in-the-manifesto policies in a couple of weeks.”

Norman Steele of Worcester said: “To be fair if Boris was still in he’d be throwing a nine-day rager.”