Britain declared uninhabitable

BRITAIN is unsuitable for human life, it has been confirmed.

Amid blade-like freezing gales that can actually slice your nose off, international aid agencies have offered to evacuate the population using helicopters.

A Red Cross spokesman said: “We want to get as many people out as possible, then we’ll figure out how to distribute them across nicer places, like Spain and Portugal.

“In the meantime, just stay inside. Do not attempt to leave the house or even look out of the window, it’s far too psychologically damaging.”

Stephen Malley, from Doncaster, said: “I’m sure this country is like a giant haunted house, it’s evil spirit trying everything it can to drive us out.”

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Royal sickness makes Norovirus a must-have

ROYAL fans have been trying to contract Norovirus is a bid to emulate the Duchess of Cambridge’s upset stomach.

Monarchist Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve got the same coat, handbag and hair as Kate, now I want the same wayward digestive system.

“I’ve been shaking hands with people who’ve had the winter vomiting bug and hopefully I will soon be spewing just like Kate.

“All my friends who aren’t barfing uncontrollably will be really jealous.”