Britain falling for savoury popcorn con

THE UK is the latest target of international con-artists attempting to sell popcorn that tastes of chilli and pepper.

Savoury popcorn was initially targeted at sophisticates able to choke down anything but is increasingly consumed by ordinary people disorientated by a decade of Heston Blumenthal.

Stephen Malley of Bath said: “I bought sour cream and jalapeno popcorn to impress a woman.

“She acted like I was special for buying it, I acted like she was in my special club for eating it, we slept together mainly to get the taste out of our mouths, and now I have to buy some more.”

Web designer Eleanor Shaw said: “I look back at that time when I bought popcorn flavoured with Worcester sauce and Key lime as a period of temporary insanity, such as serial killers experience.

“I can’t explain why I did it. But I have dedicated my life to making sure it never happens again.

“That’s why I created the website which currently gets 400,000 views a day. Mostly from people typing in the search string ‘savoury popcorn tastes like shit’.”

Savoury popcorn ‘businessman’ Tom Booker said: “It’s a short-term scam. Even Brits, who’ll eat anything slathered with enough flavoursome adjectives, aren’t going to buy this for long.

“We’re selling nasty-tasting air. It’s essentially halitosis.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

People who claim they're psychopaths actually just dicks

INDIVIDUALS who score highly in ‘psychopath tests’ are really just unpleasant, it has emerged.

Being a ‘psychopath’ has become a badge of honour for jumped-up pipsqueaks who think they’re business tycoons.

However experts have confirmed that the overlap between psychopath and dickhead traits means they are more likely to be in the latter category.

Psychologist Emma Bradford said: “Idiots want to think they have some super-sexy killer instinct that makes them the same as Christian Bale in American Psycho.

“But if you look at the questions from tawdry online tests, they’re all things like ‘Do you cancel an appointment if something better comes along?’ which could be translated as ‘are you a rude bastard?’.”

Take the Daily Mash ‘Psychopath Or Arsehole?’ test

1. Do you do loads of murders? Yes/no.

2. Do you push into queues at the Post Office? Yes/no.

Answer ‘yes’ to just question 1 – you are a psychopath

Answer ‘yes’ to just question 2 – you are an arsehole

Answer yes to both – you are an arseholepath