Britain mourns man who actually knew what he was talking about

BRITAIN is today mourning one of the tiny handful of people in the country who had genuine knowledge and insight about an actual thing.

The death of former BBC political editor John Cole means Britain is now just three or four deaths away from being utterly clueless about everything in the world.

Media analyst Julian Cook said: “Because of John Cole, the people who can remember the resignation of Margaret Thatcher are incredibly well informed about it.

“I think it’s because he got up in the morning, found out what was going on and then told people what he had found out.

“Apparently that’s what journalists used to do before they started hacking phones, making lists and having opinions that absolutely no-one asked for.”

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Bieber fandom just a cruel prank

MILLIONS of young girls just pretended to like Justin Bieber as an evil joke, it has emerged.

So-called Beliebers confessed they never enjoyed Bieber’s music or fancy him, and that they think his dancing is stupid.

13-year-old Mary Fisher said: “It’s a bit like in the film Carrie where Carrie thinks she’s prom queen then the pig blood falls on her.

“It was all a prank and now he’s tantalisingly close to an epic meltdown we’re springing our trap. That’s how cold-hearted teenage girls are.

“Justin Bieber was our long-term project, and the early signs are that we’ve created a new Michael Jackson whose freakish psyche will keep us entertained for the rest of our lives.

“Or at least until he expires prematurely in a hyperbaric chamber surrounded by giant iguanas surgically altered to have his own face.”