Britain not a smouldering heap, proclaim Cameron and Clegg

BRITAIN has not been reduced to a post-apocalyptic wasteland, populated by insane cannibals,  it has been confirmed.

Unveiling the mid-term review of the five-year coalition agreement, David Cameron and Nick Clegg expressed their delight and surprise that most of the country’s buildings were not on fire.

But they said there was still ‘much to do’ to ensure that two-and-a-half years from now Britain could continue to sustain some basic form of mammalian life.

The prime minister said: “To all those who predicted the sun would be blotted out by the acrid smoke from a thousand blazing towns, I say you are mostly wrong.”

Mr Cameron then held up a child’s drawing of an elephant and said that Britain was ‘on track to have more of these’.

Mr Clegg, the self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’, added: “Since May 2010 I have travelled all over the United Kingdom looking for something to do. I honestly thought I would see a lot more dead bodies.

“So there we are.”

But Labour leader Ed Miliband said the government’s economic policy had failed and urged Mrs Thatcher to sack Geoffrey Howe.

Meanwhile, voters expressed relief at not having to live in a large concrete pipe and drink each other’s urine.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “While trains would be better if they were on fire, my children insist they are going to school so I am inclined to believe there are still schools.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, added: “I was in hospital last week and was not beaten to death by a gang of junior doctors and thrown in a skip.

“Well done to all concerned.”


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Sun 'double bluffing' Argentina into war

THE Sun’s open letter to Argentina is a double bluff to deliver the paper’s dream of a second Falklands war, it has emerged. 

The tabloid took out an advert in a Buenos Aries newspaper urging President Cristina Kirchner to respect the islands’ sovereignty, but which was obviously just moments away from including the word ‘Gotcha’.

Media analyst Martin Bishop explained: “Nothing is more likely to provoke the Argentinians than a ‘hands-off’ warning from the paper that revelled so delightfully in the deaths hundreds of their sailors.

“By making what appears to be an impassioned argument for self-determination the Sun is in fact ensuring that Port Stanley will be under Argentinian control by, I would venture, next Thursday.

“At that point a fireworks display will be ignited atop the Sun’s London headquarters which the paper will insist is merely a morale-boosting measure to ‘prepare us for the dark days ahead’.

“The next day they will run a front page which will simply be the masthead and the words ‘Our Lads’.

“There will then be a 28-page commemorative guide to how and when hundreds of Argentinian conscripts will meet their violent, fiery deaths accompanied by a special ‘Falklands II’ logo which just says ‘Die Argie gayboys’.”

It is understood that since his appointment in 2009, Sun editor Dominic Mohan has spent more than six hours a day dictating Falkands-related headlines while he masturbates feverishly into a bucket.