Britain not deeply divided, just full of angry gits

THE ‘deep divisions’ in British society are mainly just people enjoying getting angry about things, experts have found.

The Institute for Studies discovered many of the grievances were simply traditional gripes such as other people doing better than you or sausages going up in price.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “I expected Britons to be demanding a fairer society, but it was more things like hating people in the next town for having a slightly better bus service.

“Many of the economic and geographic divides turned out to be weird made-up bollocks, like thinking employers immediately put your job application in the bin if you’re from the North.

“I sympathise with the woman from Croydon who can’t find a vet her chihuahua ‘gets on with’, but I’m not sure how voting Brexit will have helped.”

Marketing manager Nikki Hollis said: “Britain is totally divided. My sister lives near a Waitrose and we’ve only got a Tesco. Why isn’t anyone helping people like me who’ve been ‘left behind’?

“Also it was pissing with rain this morning. I bet that wasn’t happening in posh places like Oxford. They’ve probably got a dome.”

Builder Roy Hobbs agreed: “I’m furious about Toblerones getting smaller, even though they’ve changed them back.”

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Everyone in restaurant hoping those two are father and daughter

ALL the diners in a restaurant are desperately hoping that couple are father and daughter.

The customers are divided over the cross-generational pair’s status, with many suspecting they may be in a questionable relationship.

Diner Nikki Hollis said: “The entire room is transfixed. I got a good look on the way to the toilet and he appears to be about 30 years older than her.

“He was laughing and touching her hand a lot, which, if he is her dad, is really supportive and lovely. And if not, well, that’s just nasty.”

Eyewitnesses also reported a hard-to-read facial expression from the young woman, who was either gently disagreeing with her dad, or weighing up how weird this old guy would look naked.

Diners were left without an answer as the pair left the restaurant, with what was either a paternal pat on the head, or a horrible sign of how the rest of that relationship is going to go.