May pledges to hunt down the f*cknut who triggered Article 50

THE prime minister has vowed to find the ‘fucknut’ who triggered Article 50 when it was perfectly obvious we needed more time.

Theresa May said: “There’s always one twat who stands up at the end of the meeting and says ‘Actually boss we don’t need a month, we can have that report on your desk in a week!’

“Then they disappear and suddenly we’re throwing together bullshit against a ticking clock just because some muppet wanted to impress people who don’t even remember. Tool.”

The prime minister added: “It must’ve been someone anonymous, grey, clueless about how things actually work, promoted way beyond their skills. Some eager beaver who’s fucked off rather than deal with the consequences.”

Meanwhile, civil servants have blamed the whole thing on the fucknut who gave them an arbitrary two-year deadline for no reason whatsoever.

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Rees-Mogg secretly celebrates 250th birthday

JACOB Rees-Mogg has celebrated his 250th birthday in the remote country house where he was born in 1768.

Making his excuses from a constituency function, Mr Rees-Mogg stole away through a back door, donned his top hat and cape and made for a waiting carriage to whisk him to an ancient pile deep in the Cotswolds.

The MP was accompanied by his faithful manservant, Hodges, sworn to secrecy on pain of having his tongue removed with a pair of heated tongs.

Mr Rees-Mogg enjoyed a candlelit supper of mead and venison, as is his custom on every half-century; he partook of the same meal in 1968, 1918 and 1868.

He said: “Contrary to being the son of my father William Rees-Mogg, former editor of The Times, I am actually his Great-Great-Great Grandfather.

“I’ve always had somewhat of a boyish air; my nannies often remarked on it. I didn’t shave till I was 86 years old, having reached puberty only two years earlier.”

Mr Rees-Mogg intends to celebrate his 300th birthday in 50 years time with a celebration to mark Britain’s five decades of recession.