Britain not ready for another day off

WORKERS are dreading the prospect of another three-day weekend so soon after Easter.

The traditional May Day bank holiday has seen millions of employees vow to go into work anyway rather than spend another day at home.

GP Dr Tom Booker said: “A fortnight after the last one, the grating monotony of my job only just settling into my bones, and I’m expected to drop everything and do nothing? Again?

“I love a day off as much as anyone, but enough is enough.”

Account manager Emma Bradford agreed: “It’s just too soon.

“By scattering bank holidays across spring like confetti, the government is confirming the stereotype of Brits as shiftless, happy-go-lucky time wasters.

“What’s the matter with them? Do they think we don’t like work?”

Many have vowed to ignore the holiday, heading to the office to complete vital tasks like reading emails about optimising project workstreams.

Susan Traherne of Bedford said: “I, for one, won’t spend this bank holiday lying in bed all day watching repeats of Murder, She Wrote and finishing off the kids’ Easter eggs.

“But that’s because I work in a shop.”

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It all comes down to having a weird-looking penis, says Clarkson

JEREMY Clarkson has explained that his persona comes from being teased at school about his grapefruit-shaped penis.

The former alpha male has issued a grovelling apology for his personality, which he attributes to early issues with his genitals.

He said: “Imagine the sweaty post-rugby changing rooms of a boys’ public school, I’m trying to have a shower in my pants.

“Pinky Cartwright, the sadistic PE teacher, makes me remove them to reveal something that looks like a citrus fruit perched above two grapes.”

“The crueller children have grapefruit and oranges in their bags, and pelt me as I curl into a fetal position.

“Going through that you might learn to stick up for the weak and the powerless, or alternately you go in the ‘motoring journalist’ direction, building a huge fanbase by treading a fine line between being a twat and a prick.”

Clarkson said post-‘rhymegate’ he planned to spend the remainder of his days wandering the countryside, sleeping in barns and relying on the kindness of strangers.

“Perhaps I will find a little vole with an injured leg and I shall bind it for him in a splint. We’ll become fast friends and I shall carry him everywhere in my pocket.

“That is all I’ve ever wanted. True companionship.

“Not like with Hammond and the other one, I’ve heard they’re already in Frankie Boyle’s gang.”