Britain Now Factoring Volcanoes Into Everyday Life

MILLIONS of people across Britain are today beginning the process of incorporating volcanoes into their everyday lives.

As air passengers were grounded for the second day in a row and Scotland was covered with a fine coating of instantly lethal dust, experts said that volcanoes were here to stay and would now have to be factored into all our daily decision making processes.

Dr Tom Logan, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Since seven o'clock this morning, Britain is now, essentially, a volcano based society.

"This means British citizens will have to adapt to the knock-on effects of constant volcanic activity for the frst time time since somewhere around the 285th millennium BC.

"Nevertheless, we can learn a lot from our pre-historic ancestors when in comes to volcano coping, such as the best way to live without crops and how to fight off carnivorous mega-beasts when you're suffering from chronic asthma.

"And of course, from now on, when you pop into a sandwich shop you will have to ask how much volcano is in the egg mayonnaise."

Joanna Kramer, from Darlington, said: "There will be obvious things like checking the level of dangerous silicates in the atmosphere before arranging a barbecue or a picnic.

"But it's also the little things you have to adapt to, such as not being able to drink tap water or making a list of all the dead people in your street."

Roy Hobbs, from Finsbury Park, said: "If a mate phones up and asks you out for a pint then you do tend to check for potential volcano-related impacts, but it's almost second nature now.

"And I'm pleased to say that after two days I still haven't drowned in my own blood. I suppose you just get on with it, don't you?"


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One Woman's Week: Paedophile Priests Are People Too

Karen Fenessey

It seems the media just can't help themselves when it comes to the Catholic Church. They'll pounce on the slightest slip-up and blow it out of all proportion. If we're not careful, this once magnificent institution, which has done so much for the people of Africa, will become nothing more than a pitiful community group like Alcoholics Anonymous or the Brownies.

Everyone has off days at work. But imagine you could never come home from work. That's what it's like for a priest. Plus, priests spend all day talking to God. Have you any idea how much of a big deal that is? It reminds of the day I had the incredible fortune to speak to Ed Balls at one of the many charity events I attend. I had to sit sobbing with my head in my hands for something like half an hour afterwards, such was the magnitude of the experience. So is it any wonder priests suffer a momentary lapse of focus?

Ask anyone and they will tell you that 2.5% of the general population has been involved in paedophilia at some point in their lives. If you look at the corresponding statistics for incidents in the priesthood, you will find that priests are less paedophilian and therefore more virtuous than the rest of us. So why can't we just leave them alone? And what kind of monsters are we when we supply padded bikinis and G strings to eight year-olds? All we're doing is goading these poor priests, especially the gay ones when it happens to be a little boy who's wearing the bikini.

It's just the latest in a long history of smear campaigns by the secular news industry. What we need is media monitoring and – dare I say it – censorship. It's worked extremely well in other countries so why can't Britain have the guts to silence atheist newspapers and the so-called BBC?

It is this – and only this – which will mend our so-called 'broken Britain'.


Yes, Sophie Dahl is pretty and has a nice house, but her chopping skills are practically non-existent and from what I can tell she even makes up words. Indeed, it wouldn't surprise me if the kitchen had been custom made for Ms Dahl and the tuneful hobbit who has taken her for a wife. Of course, there are numerous examples of nepotism at the BBC and Sophie is just the latest. Everyone knows she only got the job because of her grandfather, Roald, and he hasn't done anything of note for years. If you ask me, they should all be deported.


Perhaps it's just me, but with with her large neck and relatively small head, first lady Sarah Brown bears a striking resemblance to the illiterate Jamaican space-reptile, Jarjar Binks. With most young people still unmoved by the election campaign, surely it's time Labour capitalised on Mrs Brown's unique Star Wars glamour.