'Here Come The Girls' Leads To New Strain Of Harpie

THE song from the Boots adverts has created an unstoppable strain of demented, screeching harpie, experts claimed last night.

New figures show an explosion in female mayhem since the Here Come The Girls advert first aired, with researchers warning the song is transforming normal, annoying women into frenzied, hyper-confident super-cows.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies said: "The song contains resonant frequencies which stimulate the female hypothalamus, causing the neurotransmitters to become overloaded with dopamine. Or to put this another way, it makes them go fucking mental.

"They become violent and abusive and then cluster in small groups laughing riotously at some secret thing, although from the way they keep looking over it's obviously something to do with you."

He added: "The song effectively short-circuits the tiny, rational part of the female mind, and the results can be at once terrifying, cataclysmic and strangely beautiful.

"It's basically a call to arms and under no circumstances should it be combined with poor quality sparkling wine, which is a bit like feeding gremlins after midnight."

The song has been implicated in the death of a male stripper at a hen night in Hartlepool, who was torn apart with such ferocity that only a severed thumb and a bloodstained fireman's helmet were recovered.

Architect Nikki Hollis said: "I am a professional in charge of a large team responsible for delivering multi-million pound projects to the highest specifications, but when that song comes on I can't stop myself screaming like a randy fox, hitting a random stranger in the face with a shoe and then bursting into tears and pissing in a gutter."

She added: "The best bit is where it goes 'Na na na-na-na-na-na na na-na-na na na'. Just saying it makes me feel all giddy and dangerous."


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Britain Gathers Round Fresh Pile Of Steaming Horseshit

THE general election campaign was blown wide open last night after the delivery of a fresh batch of gently steaming horse excrement.

As three heavily laden tractors backed into a television studio in Manchester, voters were immediately drawn to the heap that wasn't all dried out and crumbly.

Emma Bradford, from Burnley, said: "I don't think I've ever smelled this pile of shit before.

"This is good stuff. Moist, pungent, filled with potential. If you don't mind I'm going to stand here and sniff this one for a couple of days."

Viewer Julian Cook, from Hatfield, said: "Look at it, it's still steaming. Is it horse? When it's this fresh it's difficult to tell.

"I know that by the end of the week it won't be giving off quite the same eye-watering stench, but right now I could bathe in it, I really could."

But he added: "This pile of shit does look good on telly, especially in HD where you can see the whisps of steam coiling into the air, but I'm still not sure that we should be emptying great truckloads of it into the House of Commons."

Nick Clegg, the owner of the pile, said: "It is horse. I've been feeding it pickled apricots, peppered mackerel and cottage cheese. That's why you can't breathe."

The Leeds MP added: "I want to be straight with people about what I feed my horse so that they know exactly what kind of shit they're getting."

Standing by their respective dung piles the leaders of Britain's three main parties embarked on a historic televised debate which saw prime minister Gordon Brown hold on for almost six minutes before telling Mr Clegg they should get a flat together.

The Labour leader said: "Last week I met a man in Cleethorpes who agreed that it would be totally brilliant. We could order curries and watch Battlestar Galactica and then stay up all night talking about our feelings and stuff."

Meanwhile it was a difficult night for David Cameron whose attempts to mix fresh cow dung into his shit pile has yet to convince the electorate.

The visibly nervous Tory leader is understood to have followed through just after nine o'clock before threatening to kill everyone in China.