Britain rushes off to rubbish tips to get pissed

THE reopening of Britain’s rubbish tips has seen thousands of people head down there to dispose of a fridge and get wrecked. 

Tips have been closed for a month, leaving the country with no option but to fly-tip soiled mattresses in lay-bys while having the odd can, but the reopening of council waste disposal sites has been taken as the cue for an old-fashioned party.

Nathan Muir said: “Britain’s back on the road to normal, and me, this box of old VHS tapes I need rid of and this bottle of Bulleit Frontier Whiskey are going to celebrate.

“I’m heading down the tip where me and all the other blokes will throw some shit in a skip, then crack open the booze and have a big open-air piss-up.

“It’s always a party down there. Why do you think we’re re so keen to go on a Saturday afternoon? But after six weeks of social distancing it’ll be absolutely massive.

“I just hope I don’t pass out and wake up in a skip full of rotten fibreboard on a slow boat to China again. Mind you, probably safer there than here.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man trapped in never-ending Normal People nightmare

A MAN is trapped in a never-ending nightmare of his wife binge-watching Irish relationship drama Normal People.

Tom Booker cannot leave a room without returning to find a young Irish couple gently courting each other while not managing to say how they really feel.

He said: “I was watching it at first. But then when I refused to burn through four episodes in one night my wife called me an ‘uncultured f**king lightweight’ and abandoned me, forging ahead alone.

“She’s watching it on the telly, she’s watching it on her laptop, and I’m pretty sure I heard some stilted Irish voices coming from her phone when she was on the loo yesterday.

“I don’t get the appeal. Yes, there are sex scenes, but the whole school uniform thing makes them more awkward than they already are, which is very awkward indeed.”

Wife Sandra Booker said: “It’s romantic. I’m on my fourth watch and already looking forward to the fifth. Tom can do what he likes as long as he doesn’t get between me and the screen.”